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Humor: Weather

by Julie G. Hughes

Created on: April 10, 2009

Arizona Weather, or Wow! That Burns!




As you may know, normal areas of the country actually experience 4 different seasons: spring, summer, fall, and winter, with 4 separate varieties of weather. You may even live in one of these Edenesque areas; you lucky soul! In Phoenix, we have two climates miserably 'hot' and briefly 'comfortable'. (Once in a while, Mother Nature throws in chilly as an unexpected surprise, but not often enough that it can actually be considered a third season.)




It's quite easy to know when 'hot' has arrived, even before the rising triple-digit temperatures. In fact, it was the first lesson I learned about living in Phoenix. Never, never, never go outside without shoes after the lovely days of April have passed! There will never be sufficient shade in that parking lot and no one I mean No One can run fast enough to get from tiny cool patch to tiny cool patch before the blistering starts. Lastly, no matter how hard you try, the ice cubes will just keep sliding off your toes!




Having survived the 'vampire time' summer in southern Arizona, when it's too hot for the sane to venture outside before midnight in October we begin to believe again in the possible and (hopefully) imminent return of that wonderful season: 'comfortable', also known as winter in the non-Hades-imitating regions of the northern hemisphere. The grass and trees will turn green again; small children and foolish adults can run around barefoot and not burn to a crisp in 30 seconds. Such a wondrous time!




The way we know that 'comfortable' has arrived is the fresh-air factor, which is really quite simple. If you can open your windows and, this is the important part, leave them open all day without setting the draperies or carpet on fire - it's now 'comfortable'. Occasionally, during the 'miserable' time, Mother Nature may sneak in an odd morning that seems wonderfully, refreshingly comfortable. Those new to southern Arizona are often tempted to open their windows at this point. Don't Do It! Trust Me!




Virtually without fail, before 10:00am, the heat will have risen so dramatically that it will take days to cool the house or apartment back down to a livable temperature. The misery during that time is immeasurable. You cannot get cool enough, no matter what you do, and the ice cubes will not stay on your head any better than they did on your toes.




Note: Even if the weatherman claims that the mid-day temperatures are going to be comfortable, do not be fooled! Should the temperature not reach triple digits that day, the humidity will take over and rise to double digits. This will immediately cancel out any minor reduction in heat levels by building the equivalent of a giant sauna outside your front door.




After the third consecutive day with the windows open all day, we consider turning off the cooler. We don't actually turn it off, mind you; we just consider the option. (Hey, you just can't take that kind of chance with potentially lava-like heat! Remember ice is unbalanced and unreliable!) By Christmas, or so, it's usually safe to eliminate mechanical cooling at least for most of the day. But be ready at a moment's notice to turn it back on! It has reached 90 degrees in the green of a Phoenix winter, without any warning at all.

Learn more about this author, Julie G. Hughes.
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