by Pamela Smith

Created on: April 10, 2009   Last Updated: April 12, 2009

For many years I had existed as a seemingly lost individual, searching for the unknown to settle my inner being. For me, this felt as if I would always go along with something missing in my life. I often think back to my earliest memory of these feelings. I always go back as early as 6 years old. This same feeling had haunted me for years and years. I felt as if I would never be happy with the person that I had living inside of me. I married at age 26 and thought that I would finally get over my feelings of being lost and alone. After 17 years, I found myself continuing to ask God for "peace". I felt that peace would make everything alright with me. Because I could never put my finger on a single thing or issue that caused my feelings of being lost and alone, I was not sure that "peace" was the right thing that I should be asking God to give to me. Even so, I continued to ask for peace day after day after day.

God began to reveal to me what I needed. I needed to first accept the person that I was and to love "me" first above other things in my life. One day I woke up and God had given me peace. I felt like a new person capable of facing anything and doing anything for "me". This thing that I had fought against for so long was all about me and truly understanding that there is no one who will take better care of "me" than "me". This gradual process of realizing what God was revealing to me lasted around 3 years. Gradually, I began to understand and deal with "me" on a whole new level. I began to experience a peace and strength that I had never known before.

I see this experience as a personal transformation, somewhat of an escape from within myself. I had experienced a lot of negative situations in my life and really wanted to overcome that negativity, and come out being the person that was missing from within me. It often amazes me as I continue to go back over the path that led me here. I still try to re-enact those steps because it seems that overnight, God's gift was amazingly available in my life. I have to truly say thanks each and every day. God truly did bring me out of darkness and into light. It is almost hard to understand how I am in this place now, but sometimes God will not allow us to continue to re-enact past steps once we reach that final step that he has placed for us. One thing is for sure, there has never been a gift more comforting to me. God's greatest gift to me was an amazing "peace" and "strength" that has changed who I am. This light will continue to guide my path for the rest of my life.

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