THE LIGHTER SIDE OF TAXES:
Tax season got you down? You're not alone. Someone once said, "The trouble with being a breadwinner nowadays is that the Government is in for such a big slice."
But don't fret. I'm about to give you some tips that will take the sting out of income taxes. What makes me an expert, you say? Well, I happen to have a long history with the IRS, dating back to when I was six years old. Back then, Johnny Jones was my best friend - until the day he fired an iceball at me, hitting me smack in the eye. Johnny ran a lemonade business, so I got my revenge by reporting him to the IRS for nonpayment of taxes.
Now that I've established my credentials, let's start with the "Alternative Minimum Tax." Rather than pay a whopping sum to the IRS in income taxes, this very cool provision gives you the option of paying whatever small amount you'd like to pay. Isn't that great? You're feeling better already, right?
Then there's the "Earned Income Credit." Admit it: you spend a good deal of your time at work playing computer solitaire, chatting with your mother on the phone, shopping online, running office pools, visiting banned sites, etc. You're being paid for this time, and let's be honest: it's really Unearned
Income. After all, you aren't doing a lick of work. The situation is so bad that the IRS is ready to reward those people (assuming there are some) who actually work when they're at work by giving them this credit, which reduces their taxes. So if by chance there was any time last year when you actually worked when at work, report those hours (or minutes) to the IRS and you'll get an Earned Income Credit.
Now let's talk about gifts. I don't spend much on my wife for Christmas, her birthday, or Valentine's Day.
I tell her I'm saving her from having to report gifts as income. She buys this explanation. This might work with your spouse as well. Also, you'll see on Page 82 of the Form 1040 instructions that you can elect to send a cash gift to the Government to help reduce the national debt. And here I foolishly thought that was what my taxes were doing.
Toward the end of your tax return, the IRS tells you to enter on Line 72 "the amount you overpaid in taxes" during the year. On Line 73 they want to know "the amount of Line 72 you want refunded to you." There has never been a single documented instance in the history of the world when anyone entered less on Line 73 than on Line 72, but they keep asking the question.
The IRS also urges us to encourage our neighbors "to do their fair share by filing their federal tax returns and paying any tax due on time."
So feel free to go knock on your neighbor's door and deliver that message. Let me know how you make out.
As for filing status, don't make the mistake I made one year. Trying to make a point to my wife, I said I should file as "Head of Household." She said if I did, she'd be reporting me as "Deceased" the following year.
You might be wondering, "How long should I keep copies of my tax papers?"
The short answer is that you should plan on space for them in your casket.
Everyone always wants to know: who has to file a tax return? It's simple:
(1) Did you make over $1 last year, or even think about making over $1? (2) Are you between 2' and 8' tall? (3) Is your mother's maiden name anything other than Stryzutkxiqprv? If you answered yes to all of these questions, you must file.
Some people wonder if legally changing their name to something like Darth Vader, then changing it again the next year to, say, Homer Simpson, will throw the IRS off their trail. It won't.
I know, I tried this.
Don't forget to enter your occupation where it's called for on the form.
Just be careful not to incriminate yourself. If you're a hit man, it probably wouldn't be wise to say so. Enter "Population Control Contractor" instead. Similarly, a bookie might describe himself as a "Risk Manager." And if you're a Congressman, any alternative title, including "Thief," would be less incriminating.
By the way, you will not avoid paying taxes by claiming that your state is a separate country not subject to the laws of the U.S. This is one of 43 arguments that some people have tried and which the IRS lists as "frivolous positions" that will fetch a penalty of $5,000 (I kid you not). I'd feel more at ease if I knew where the people who are making these kinds of arguments live and work.
And finally, be aware of an important change taking effect next year (this is straight out of the Form 1040 instructions): In order to claim a child on your return, "your child must be younger than you." Duh?