by Jim Crawford

Created on: April 10, 2009

THE VIEW FROM THE FRONT OF THE SCHOOL BUS:

I drive a school bus part-time. Over the past five years I've driven local sports teams and other school groups on hundreds of trips. One of the cool features of the job is that I get to see and hear the sometimes cute, sometimes clever things my passengers say and do:

- Driving a Belmont, NH
first-grade class to a farm in neighboring Gilford was one of my shortest trips. But it was anything but insignificant to the little boy sitting behind me. I overheard him say excitedly to his equally small seatmate, "WE'RE going to GILFORD!" When we got there and the students were leaving the bus, another boy stopped and asked me, "You're gonna be here to take us home, right?"

Apparently he saw me as the only thing separating him from milking cows for the rest of his life. I then went up the street for coffee while they toured the farm.
Boarding the bus for the return home, my little friend stopped, smiled and said, "You left, didn't you?"
Although I had no reason to feel guilty, it sure felt like I had done something wrong, and I was speechless.

- The coach of a boys high school basketball team was taking roll call on the bus after a game. When he called out one boy's name, another yelled derisively, "He went home with his MOMMY!" Another player then said, "Have you seen his mommy? I wouldn't mind going home with her myself!"

- A member of a middle-school track team was trying hard to convince his coach that he didn't deserve to be penalized for the practice he'd be missing the next day. The 13-year-old said he'd run at home, offering to run around his house as many times as the coach wanted. The coach wasn't buying it, saying he had no way of knowing how big the house was, nor would he have any proof the running was done. By this time, both were talking tongue-in-cheek. The boy said he'd get a witness to sign a certification verifying that he'd done the running. The coach suspected the boy's girlfriend would be the supposed witness.
The boy then said he could video tape the running. Although he lost out in the end, I was sure I was listening to a future attorney.

- Another roll call, this one for a high school wrestling team: As the coach called out the names, the responses went like this: "Here!...Here!...Here!...Here!...I love you coach!" As laughter rocked the bus the coach had to pause the roll call to regain his composure.

- As we pulled away from a distant school after a game, a coach said to one of his players, "What are you doing sitting up here?
You've never sat up here before."
The player responded, "I just want to be close to you, coach." To which the coach replied, "Bull. Get your butt out of here and go back where you normally sit. You just wanted to be first off the bus when we stop at McDonald's."

- The driver is sometimes forgotten, especially in a dark bus on the way home from a far away site. Such was the case for me last year with a girls high school basketball team.
The team had just won easily and all were in an expansive mood. The coaches (both women) and players began discussing what I'll call women stuff e.g., the best undergarments to wear while playing, etc. With my unseen embarrassment mounting, they moved on to the subject of female flatulence (I hadn't realized it was that common a problem). I then reminded them that there was a male on the bus. I told them the discussion was enlightening for me, but in some ways it wasn't helping my image of women. It didn't matter. When they finished laughing, they went right back to women talk.

As you can see, driving a school bus is hardly ever dull.
And I have the best and wittiest passengers any bus driver could wish for.

Learn more about this author, Jim Crawford.
Click here to send this author comments or questions.