by Jim Crawford

Created on: April 09, 2009

BY THE WAY, I'M RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT

I know this is late notice, but I am today announcing my candidacy for President. Why did I wait this long? Because, to be honest, I have a few skeletons in the closet. A few missteps in my past that I knew my opponents would gleefully exploit.

Let me start by coming clean about that busboy gig in 1965.
Although I denied it when fired for it, I now confess that I pocketed a $3 tip while clearing a table, a tip that rightfully belonged to the waitress. The fact that she remains the ugliest, surliest waitress I have ever come across is no excuse.

(I also was wrong, when she confronted me, to ask if she had served The Last Supper.) I hope the American public will find it in their hearts to forgive my youthful lapse in judgment. All I can say is that it was a spur-of-the-moment, stupid theft with no malice aforethought. After all, the tip was left by an elderly couple who for 10 years ate at the same table every Sunday at the same time, always leaving the same $3 tip. I am much older and wiser now. If the same situation presented itself today, I would cop a tip from a stranger off the street with no tip history.

I also knew if I mentioned that I was Sports Editor of my high school yearbook which we can all agree is a key qualification for President - the other presidential candidates would soon be slinging mud about the infamous "star" incident. You see, some 45 years ago, I was set to run my name and photo in the baseball section of the yearbook with the innocent caption, "our star varsity hurler." Charlie Perry, my assistant editor, in a blatant display of disloyalty, objected to the "star" appellation, possibly out of jealousy. After several discussions and one fistfight, I canned Charlie but deleted "star" from the caption, fearing that as a disgruntled former worker he might act like a whistle blower about it. I haven't seen Charlie since then, but I have no doubt that he would still be untrustworthy.
So when we heard the National Enquirer and The Star wanted to talk to him, my handlers thought it best to get the facts out immediately on this ugly episode.

But enough about the seamy side of politics. Why do I feel I'm eminently qualified to be President?
For obvious reasons:

- Aside from the times that involved my wife, I have never been under sniper fire, nor have I ever claimed to be.

- Again, aside from the times that involved my wife, I have always managed to balance our checkbook. If I'm elected, I will see that my wife is

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