by Jim Crawford

Created on: April 09, 2009

DEAR DUKE

Our dog Duke knows I write and has been constantly pestering me to let him write also. I finally relented. What follows are letters he claims to have received, asking his advice, and the answers he gave:

Dear Duke,

I'm really at my wits' end here. I pray you can help. Out walking the other day, I tripped on a hole in the sidewalk and skinned my knee.
When I went home to patch myself up, I walked in to find Fang, our pet Pekingese, tearing apart all the pillows in the bedrooms. He had also tipped over the kitchen wastebasket and eaten half the garbage in it.

The other half was strewn all over the carpets. He also relieved himself in three different rooms, after chewing holes through the doors.
We love him very much, but this has got to stop. Looking forward to your wise advice.

Frustrated Fran

Dear Fran,

Apply hydrogen peroxide to your knee, then protect it with a band-aid. Also, contact the DPW and demand that they fix that hole. Safety hazards like that are unacceptable.

Duke

Dear Duke,

Your ability to bark all day long, at anything and everything, is truly amazing. Our dog Puffball almost never makes a sound. He barely whimpers. We wish he could be a fearsome watchdog like you, but we'd settle for just a few threatening growls. What do you suggest?

Fred Friendly

Dear Fred,

Based on your name, I'd guess your dog is simply mirroring your behavior. But that aside, the first thing you need to do is change his name. (Whoever named him "Puffball" should be locked in a room with six very angry Pit Bulls.) Rename your wimp "Scarface," "Jaws," or "Monster" and you'll be racing to the store for earplugs and a stronger leash. You might also want to give him a porterhouse steak and doggie treats laced with steroids, and encourage him to chomp on your sofa's cushions.

Duke

Dear Duke,

Help! For no reason, our dog bit me the other day, nearly tore off the leg of a houseguest, viciously ripped apart our baby's crib, and killed our neighbor's cat. I must say, Duke, we just don't know what to do....

Fearful Frank

Dear Frank,

You haven't told me what you did to make him feel this way, but clearly your dog is feeling a bit down. Give him a nice porterhouse steak and doggie treats, and invite him to chew on one of your suits. He'll be fine. I strongly suspect the houseguest looked at him the wrong way, the baby swore at him, the cat turned her nose up at him, and - worst of all - you probably interrupted his nap after less than 10 hours.

Duke

Dear Duke,

Our dog sleeps on our best recliner almost all day. When he's awake he unmercifully harasses the cat and barks constantly. What can we do?

Frazzled Francis

Dear Francis,

I'm not sure I understand the problem.

Duke

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