by Jim Crawford

Created on: April 09, 2009

WHY NOT INTERVIEW A POTENTIAL SPOUSE?

I suggest we reevaluate the way we choose our mate.
Why not do what we do all the time in the business world and interview candidates? To get this idea rolling, here are suggested questions and the answers given by ideal candidates:

THE IDEAL WIFE CANDIDATE:

First, why do you want this job? "Because you're a hunk and a marvelous athlete."

What is your idea of happiness? "Going to Fenway Park
and buying my husband a replica Red Sox shirt."

What is your current occupation? "Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, and owner of a liquor store and golf course."

Where do you see yourself in five years? "Working for a home-handyman service company."

What kind of household jobs would you be able to do right now without your husband's help? "In my last position I changed the car's ball joints twice and built a den for my husband with a large-screen TV."

If your husband did something that bothered you, what would you do? "The last thing I'd say is, "We need to talk."
I'd probably go pave the driveway."

Which way should the toilet paper unwind? "Over the top, of course [marry this woman immediately]."

The Patriots are playing a late-afternoon game on TV. Oprah is on the other channel. What do you do? "I'm sorry, but I'm not familiar with this "Oprah" person. In any event, I'd probably rotate the tires, unless the driveway needs repaving."

What experience do you have in operation of the TV remote? "I thought only men operate the remote [marry this woman immediately]."

This job includes an annual performance evaluation. What do you think the most important criteria should be? "Number of meals and home improvement projects completed on time and on budget, with no assistance required."

How good is your memory for example, how long do you remember husband and wife conversations? "I'm sorry, what was the question again?"

Do you throw anything during arguments? "Nerf balls, if I'm really angry, but I can't imagine throwing anything your way but compliments."

THE IDEAL HUSBAND CANDIDATE:

Why do you want this job? "Because your best friend whispered to me that I would make a fantastic husband."

What is your idea of happiness? "Going shopping with my wife [marry this man immediately]."

What is your current occupation? "I'm a chef and work part-time cleaning houses."

Where do you see yourself in five years? "Realizing my lifelong dream of owning a women's clothing store and a chocolates factory."

What kind of household jobs would you be able to do without your wife's help? "In my last position the home decorating projects I did were featured on Home and Garden TV."

If your wife did something that bothered you, what would you do? "I'd say, 'We need to talk' and would then share all of my feelings with her for as long as it takes."

When do you replace a toilet paper roll? "Immediately. I don't look ahead and intentionally leave one sheet just to pass that task to my wife [marry this man immediately]."

The Patriots are playing a late-afternoon game on TV. Oprah is on the other channel. What do you do? "That's a no-brainer. Oprah is obviously more important. So I'd sacrifice by going down to the local bar and watching the Pats there."

This job includes an annual performance evaluation. What do you think the most important criteria should be? "Well, I'm pretty good at disguising flatulence, for a man, so I'd like to get credit for that. I'm also in the Guinness Book of World Records for leaving the toilet seat down 62% of the time."

How good is your memory for example, how long do you remember husband and wife conversations? "Not long, apparently. The funny thing is, I thought I had an exceptional memory until my first marriage."

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