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After giving the topic of this debate a great deal of thought, at least 5 minutes, I came to the conclusion that slow moving zombies are indeed more effective because fast moving zombies are undoubtedly responsible for our current global economic crisis. Wait a second... I'm confusing topics again! Please allow me to start over.

Slow moving zombies ARE more effective than fast moving zombies. I know this because of my own wealth of experience with the Zombie Queen, otherwise known as "My Wife when she first gets up in the morning". Nothing will spur you to hastily escape the Eminent Zombie Domain (more commonly known as the bathroom) than the sound of slow, uneven shuffling feet as they make their way along the hall while the moaning and groaning gets louder and louder. If you don't understand what I'm saying here, you most certainly will when you become involved in a serious relationship. Trust me on this one.

You have no doubt heard the tale of "The Tortoise and the Hare". It is a little known fact that the original version of this story contained zombification and a great deal of blood. I can assure you that the unadulterated version is infinitely more effective than the "nice" version at getting the point across to young children that "Slow and Steady Wins the Race". I also have it on good authority that George Romero heard this tale in its purest form while in Kindergarten, and the experience strongly influenced his directing in "Dawn of the Dead".

Further support of this argument can be found in a recent, expensive, government funded survey of zombies, which showed that, due to their advanced state of decomposition, fast movement resulted in a quick loss of limbs and other body parts. This proved to be quite counterproductive and made it nearly impossible for zombies to achieve their primary objective: re-election to congress. It also resulted in an inordinate amount of husbands and boyfriends having to pick up the mess in the aftermath of such encounters. This is also why women survive much more often in zombie movies than men, because the men would rather die a horrifying, torturous death than have anything to do with cleaning.

If you are still unconvinced in the overall efficacy of slow zombies, I would gladly give additional examples and data that conclusively prove the point. Unfortunately, my wife is currently gnawing on my scalp, which is her loving way of telling me that the lawn needs mowing...

Learn more about this author, Ross Voorhees.
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