by Kimberly Stevens

Created on: April 05, 2009

Depression is so much more than "extreme sadness." It's actual physical pain that wreaks havoc on your entire physical and mental being. As a teenager, my father passed away at an early age from heart problems and I, being a daddy's girl, had no idea how to cope. I was the oldest though, my brother was only 4, so I guess I felt like I had to be strong. I was strong, I didn't cry once; not even at the funeral. I felt overwhelmed but I guess I was more in shock.

A few months later, my mom decided she was going to move us from the town that I had grown up in to a completely different state. At this point, I just got really mad and sarted resenting my mom for taking away everything that I knew to be real and familiar to me. Still, feeling like I needed to be strong, I held on.

Just a few more months after moving to our new home, my mom announced that she was getting married again and, worst of all, he had two kids. I met my older and soon to be step sister the following day and we became pretty good friends. I wasn't the oldest anymore and I definitely didn't feel strong.

Then, I woke up one morning and I couldn't move. My body was racked with pain. Everything from the tips of my hair down to my toes felt like it was being broken. I had no idea what was happening but I started to feel so sad. It was almost like I could PHYSICALLY feel my heart breaking and I started to cry. I had 2 years of emotion that came out that night but it wasn't over. I battled these same physical and emotional feelings for over 5 years. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I kept myself locked away in my room for hours or even days, only emerging to eat occasionally.

I began to feel like I was the only one who had ever felt that way and it only made it worse. I tried a few times to talk to someone about how I was feeling, rather it a friend or school counselor, but I couldn't bring myself to get past the not being able to talk to someone I didn't know. I started to hate school counselors because I felt like they were always prying and I just wanted to be left alone. Then I started losing friends and my dating relationships were suffering, all the while I still felt resentful feelings that, too this day, I have not been able to let go of.

Depression effects people differently. Some people only have to deal with it a short time and then, it's not gone for good, but they learn how to cope with it. Other people, it takes a toll on them and continues to boil beneath the surface for years. I was 12 years old when I first became severely depressed. That was 14 years ago and I am still haunted!

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