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The best way to clean your refrigerator is to haul everything out and place it where it can be seen and assessed. Wear a nose peg or face mask, whichever seems more appropriate. Roll up your sleeves. Squeeze into your rubber gloves and, after a quick prayer, get to work.

It is indeed a daunting task. I have yet to meet anybody who relished the thought of sorting through their leftovers, scraps and assorted impulse buys; not to mention granma's noxious concoctions.

Do not think about it. Think about anything else. Begin and systematically consider each item. If the sell-by date indicates it should be in a museum, your instincts will guide you as to what further steps to take. If the item is festering and sprouting penicillin-like outgrowths do as you feel fit: package it for your mother-in-law or dump it in the garbage (without looking back).

Bottles with lids which are slightly raised,eroded by rust or harbouring slippery and sticky substances(which are no longer discernable without being sent to a laboratory),should be incinerated.

Piles of charred, curled up, erstwhile veggies should be pureed and given to the goat. If you do not yet have one, get one. They eat most things, including your wife's hair curlers or your husband's soiled underjocks, whichever applies.

Now, here is an invaluable gem of advice: Odour can be eradicated by placing a container of bicarbonate of soda in the refrigerator. You may then with an easy conscience harbour all manner of garlic, gorgonzola or brie cheeses and a veritable feast of lobster, crab and crayfish. You will never feel ashamed when opening your refrigerator door. Do so with panache and experience freedom as you never have before.

Pure alcohol can be such a fun abrasive to use. Fumes from a bottle of the aforementioned will either do the trick or you will be so woozy you will not care a jot.

A large and generous porous sponge may be used to wipe away the residue that may have built up inside the refrigerator. First you will need to dip it in a solution of disinfectant and soapy abrasive. Work quickly and without nostalgia. Stopping to recall when you may have bought some or other item or to berate yourself for buying it will consume valuable time. When you are done dispose of the offending sponge. You do not want to chance an outbreak of disease being traced back to your refrigerator.

Finally when you are done, use a dry cloth and ensure the interior is squeaky-clean and dry. Spray air fresh copiously and replace items you cannot bear to part with. The latter will continue to grow old with you; or be consumed by you, whichever comes first!

Learn more about this author, Laurence Newman.
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