Pain. It cuts in too deep. I am curled up on my bed, my knees between my arms. It's too unbearable to think that only a week ago we were a couple. But not today. Today my world was shattered because you told me you did not want me anymore.
I want to cry but my eyes are exhausted and there are no more tears left. I think I reached my limit when I cried in my dream last night. When I woke up, my pillow was soaked and even now it is still damp.
But why does it hurt? Isn't what I wanted? To run away from this relationship? To be free? After all, you made my life so unbearable. The phantom of darkness, you invited me into your dungeon and kept me captive. I hated you for that and every minute of our relationship I contemplated my escape.
So why didn't I run? Why did I let events run their course?
I don't know.
Perhaps it was because I was afraid to stand up on my own. Or perhaps I thought that having you was better than having no one.
Or maybe it was because despite all the gloom you did manage to make me happy now and again. And in those rare moments I actually enjoyed being with you.
Those rare moments... They were truly magic. Always filled with laughter and easiness, each one made an imprint in my mind that would never fade. We would work hard together during the day and then escape to our secret abode during the night. You made me so happy. I felt like my life meant something.
But I knew better than to place my hope of happiness upon these rare occurrences. For every time you gave me something, you took something back. You lavished me with your generosity only to satisfy your lust. And now, when I have nothing more to give, you decided to say goodbye.
I applaud you for the fact that you finally stopped pretending. I just wish you had picked a different day to do it because either knowingly or unknowingly you caught me unawares in that particular moment when I was happy again, when I thought for the millionth time that perhaps our relationship had a chance after all.
And that's why I feel so much pain. It is precisely because you picked the right for you but not for me moment to end our bond. Is this you striking back because you somehow managed to read my mind and see that I contemplated to run away? To prevent me from catching you out instead?
Perhaps, but it does not matter any more because I also feel immense relief. Relief from knowing that I would not be hurt by you anymore. Of course I won't see those rare moments of happiness either, but I won't suffer from your arrogance and indifference which you bestowed on me numerous times.
And the only weapon I now hold is to make you believe that I just suffer pain. If I don't show you the relief and gratitude I also feel, I might actually have a chance to have a final word in this ending.
And then, when the night falls, I can finally go to sleep without crying, safe in my knowledge that I am free. Free from you.