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for their illness? No. Blame is the most worthless concept on the planet. It accomplishes nothing, except to hurt the target. This applies in all areas of life - there is no reason for blame except to hurt someone. Try to remember who hurts most when you blame yourself for anything. And how the situation remains amazingly the same.

"You just haven't found the right doctor."

And you can't understand what chronic illness/disability means. Some illnesses make a person sick for many years without killing them. Pain, trouble walking and working accompany this person every single day of their lives, and there is no end in sight. If anything, there have been too many doctors with too many conflicting answers. The probability of a cure is not an issue - the necessity of living with illness is the only acceptable option. Your acceptance of their reality impinges on the disabled person's acceptance of life with illness/disability.

Even when you try, things don't always work out ....

What if they say no, they can't do whatever?
Let's say you asked them to lunch, or for coffee. The person says they are not up to it now. Think about making a contact possible - on their terms. What if you brought over some treat, stayed for a short time, and gave a rain check for an outing for a week later? Maybe they are not able to "entertain" and they feel pressure to entertain people that come over. Can you think of a way to visit and be the entertainment so they don't need to? Can you stop by with some food that can be warmed up later for their dinner, not stay long, and then call them later in the week?

What if they say yes and cancel at the last minute?
This is common with chronic illnesses that ebb and flow, like Multiple Sclerosis, Lupus, and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, for example. The person really wanted to go, gets psyched up for it, and when the day comes there is physically no way they can go. They feel bad for disappointing you, and they are disappointed in themselves. They can't control their bodies, and that is frightening.

Can you save the day?
Are you flexible enough to translate their unpredictable health into your talent for spontaneity? Rent a movie and bring it to them. Order a pizza, or pick up sandwiches, and make it a small mini-party. After all, who is going to miss you more - the Eagles or your friend?

They have a phone, too - why don't they call me?
There is a difference in the dynamic when you call from when they call. When you call, you always have something to offer, if only your companionship, a kind word, an errand. When a sick person calls, it is an imposition on your time, and no one wants to impose. They don't want to be a bother, and if they have already had friends disappear into the woodwork, they'll stop calling anyone just in case they feel they pushed others away with "being needy." You need to make the call, and keep making the call.

What can I do for anyone?
Next time you head out to the grocery, try calling your pal and asking if they need a few things, then get them. When you bring them by, no big deal, no dramatics. You may slowly becoming an angel on earth, but you don't have to tell anyone that.

Remember:

Make the call

Keep calling

Keep asking

Keep contact

Don't give up

Don't give up

Don't give up

Learn more about this author, Sue Klaus.
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