by Sylvie Leochko

Created on: April 02, 2009

As a friend, your values and principles conflict with each other when a good friend of yours is living in an unhealthy relationship? How? Well, as a friend your first instinct is to provide advice in order to help your friend. On the other hand, your advice may end up making things worse? Is that what your friendship is all about?

When I was in university, I enrolled in a Psychology class that was not only experimental but also based on a new concept: Active Listening! This class changed my life not only as a teacher but also as a spouse, a mother and a friend. It made me realize that listening is an underestimated skill and that most of the time, the solution lies within the person afflicted by a problem.

What it Active Listening? The concept is simple, really! When a person confides in you about a problem, you listen to them, reuse their own words as questions and let them realize that they are the beholder of the answer. As an example:

Mrs. X I am unhappy in my current relationship!

Mrs. Y Why are you unhappy in your current relationship?

Mrs. X Mr. X has the horrible fits which always end up involving hitting me!

Mrs. Y Is this the first time?

Mrs. X No, it's not! It started about 6 months after we got married!

Mrs. Y Does it happen often?

Mrs. X It used to be occasional but now it is happening a few times a week!

Mrs. Y Have you done something about it?

Mrs. X I talked to my mother about it. She suggested that I get some help!

Mrs. Y What kind of help?

Mrs. X She thinks I should get some professional advice.

Mrs. Y Did you follow her advice?

Mrs. X Not yet! What do you think?

Mrs. Y The real question here is: "What do YOU think?"

Mrs. X I think she is right! I think I need help!

Mrs. Y When will you do it?

Mrs. X I guess, I should do it now.

Mrs. Y Here is the phone! I will be in the kitchen if you need me!

As you can see, not only did Mrs. Y use good listening skills, but as a friend, she also helped her friend find a solution within herself. It doesn't mean that the solution is the answer, and then she will meet with her again and help her out finding her own solution, a different one. The main benefit of such a psychological tactic is that not only the answer will be hers but also if something goes wrong, you will not be blamed for it and your relationship will not be at stake.

Of course, some people think that using advice is the way to go but the question that I have for them is: "Are you ready to be blamed for it if something goes awry?" Always keep in mind that you could

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