by Ann Hinds

Created on: April 02, 2009   Last Updated: November 28, 2009

Our child is the target. Normally, he is not timid and has no problem brushing off incidents. Somehow, he has attached a greater value to the interactions with the bully then he has with other children. He has given the bully power over him. The role of the target is to change the rules.

They are still young so the bullying has not progressed to physical abuse. We may face that issue in the future. Today, our focus is on removing the power he has given the bully.

Our schools have become ineffective in dealing with bullies and they bend over backwards to help them. Because there are no consequences for their behavior, the bullied child is forced to participate in the solution. The school wants the children to talk to one another. They want them to make a pact, sign a contract to get along. This only gives the bully more power. They offer another solution and that is to walk away. The bullied child has to remove himself from any activity that the bully decides to engage in. This ostracizes the target and rewards the bully. The bully retains the power. Our school is so politically correct that they expect the bullied child to prove that there is a bully and requires them to make the changes.

Sit down and have a discussion with your child. In their minds, the bully has assumed gigantic proportions. They feel powerless over the situation and with each incident, get angrier. The job of the parent is to assure your child that they do have power.

We have changed the role of the target for our child. Having informed the school that we will not accept the behavior of the bully has empowered our child. We will allow him to take whatever steps are necessary to take back the power. He does not have to surrender his rights. If the bully takes something from him, he can take it back. If he ends up in the office, we will be there to fight for his rights. If his is being disturbed in class and being distracted from doing his work, he is to insist that his teacher contact us. The school has informed his teacher that, if necessary, we will be in the classroom to monitor the behavior. This may be unfortunate for our child if he decides to misbehave in class.

We have seen a change. Our child has not needed to take any action and the situation is better. Just knowing that he is not powerless and has our complete backing, has allowed him to take back the power he assigned to the bully. He is willing to go to school again.

It is sad that the schools no longer have the means to solve these problems. We however, are not afraid of the school or their policies. The school has made a point to tell us that the bully has had a hard life. We are not interested and do not feel sorry for the bully. Our child's life has not been easy either. We are his grandparents and we have adopted him. While it is a shame that the bully does not have good parents, it is not our child's fault and he should not be required to make it better. Our child is no longer signing contracts that say that he will get along with the bully. We have removed the school as part of the solution. As a family, we have decided that he needs to be civil to the bully. He has decided how he will deal with situations and his solutions are more mature than we expected for a second grader. His job is to be a good citizen and that is what he is learning.

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