by Jo Ann Wentzel

Created on: April 01, 2009

Many parents, and even a few child workers we met, seem unable to separate the kid from the behavior. They speak of a bad kid, when they really mean a kid who behaves badly. They see him as a violent child rather than one who exhibits violent behavior occasionally. They believe he is a drug addict, not recognizing he is a child who is addicted to drugs. Separating the child from the behavior does not excuse that child from responsibility for their actions, but it does make it easier to deal with that child.

When a youth starts to rebel, his behavior deteriorates. He hasn't become a bad kid. It is true his behavior is not desirable, but it is the behavior, which has changed not the child. He is, in fact, the very same kid you loved before the new behavior came on the scene. For some folks, this is a difficult distinction, but it needs to be made.

Unwanted behavior is an outward sign of an inward problem. It's the driving force he uses to reach a particular goal. These goals will vary from child to child. Usually they amount to a way of being noticed or striking back at a parent. The behavior may be conscious or unconscious, but either way it does not mean your child has turned into some kind of monster.

Treating him like you always treated him in the past will help him begin to act as he once did. This does not imply that you must approve or accept the behavior, just the child. When parents withhold love and attention from a child who is misbehaving, it can only increase that undesired behavior. This unacceptable behavior may anger you. You must try to do anything you can to correct or change it. In reality, we all know your efforts are not what count since the child must be responsible for ultimately changing his own behavior.

Don't try changing the behavior by neglecting the child. It is not sensible to stop speaking to the child. To withhold your love and affection at this time is very wrong. This is when your child needs it most. He needs support when he is at his worse.

Attack the unacceptable behavior in a systematic way. Concentrate on one or two things, not everything. Use common sense and humor. Be firm, but reasonable. Explain why this behavior is unacceptable. It is vital the child understands. Is his behavior unlawful? Tell him, explaining the law and the possible consequences. Maybe this new rebellious nature is wrong because of safety issues. The child needs to understand the dangers to which he is exposing himself and others. Express your objections

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