by Melinda Barr

Created on: April 01, 2009

Change can be a difficult and challenging experience for children. The separation of their parents can have many devastating effects on children, no matter what their ages. Preparing for this event requires some patient and careful planning. These steps can at least alleviate some of the fears and hurts they are going to have.

Age appropriate communication

Let your child be aware of the situation before the actual move. The amount and depth of the information given needs to be age appropriate. Emphasize that any responsibilities is on the part of mom and dad only, and is in no way due to any fault of the child's. Let them express emotions openly whether they are tears, anger, or what have you. Encourage them to ask any questions and answer them gently, honestly and lovingly. It is sometimes better that both parents have this conversation with them, but that is not always feasible. Discuss how this event will affect them in accordance with such things as moving, changing schools, leaving friends behind, and so on. Allow them the opportunity to grieve and be open to any and all communication regarding this issue.

Put away the boxing gloves

Ending a relationship is never easy no matter what the circumstances are. It is crucial during this time that parents refrain from criticizing each other or interact with anger and hostility. "Daddy had an affair and mommy's heart is broken" is one example of inappropriate information even if it is in fact the truth. Intimate details should never be shared with the children no matter what age they are. With emotions running rampant, it is usually very difficult to control your words, gestures and body language, but you must try your best. If the partners cannot dialogue with each other without anger, humiliation, and stress, they should interact only when they are away from the children. Children pick up negative nuances in the same manner as adults do even if they do not fully understand them.

Counseling

Consider professional family or pastoral counseling to help guide you through this difficult process. This could indeed be money very well spent. Children often times misconstrue the exact meaning of your words and internalize them incorrectly. A trained professional is experienced in spotting cues that the parents themselves may miss. Again, the professional can assist the children in verbalizing any negative feelings or thoughts they may have that the child cannot articulate or fully understand themselves. He is also more able to spot any on going or long-term affects this may have (or be having) on the child as they struggle to understand these complex adult problems.

Except under circumstances of abuse or severe neglect, it is most often impossible to end a relationship without some degree of hurt to the children. By being proactive and seeking help, you can assist in protecting your own emotional health and that of your children more successfully. If ending the relationship truly is the only answer to your problems, then please, put the needs of your children first.

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