by Beck Tomlin

Created on: April 01, 2009   Last Updated: April 04, 2009

I knew my marriage was over when after a four month separation and going back - my husband had not changed his behavior.

For the entire separation he continued his affair - getting deeper involved instead of using the time wisely to end things the way that he should have.

Our five year marriage had been a tumultuous one. Lots of arguing and bad behavior that was unhealthy. I went back after the separation because I really wanted it to work and felt hopeful that it would, but unlike him I had not grown emotionally attached to someone outside the marriage and felt I could not live without them. He on the other hand refused to end his involvement with an individual even after I'd asked him to and waited patiently while he severed the ties.

All the time he carried on his affair under the guise of it being "business related" he treated me very badly, he was abusive to say the least and he will forever be remembered as my abuser.

People should know and understand after being in an abusive relationship you cannot be in contact with your abuser - it is counter-productive and unhealthy. Whatever could have been - you must count it as lost, gone, something that will never be - period.

My abuser lied to me constantly and I suffered verbal abuse daily, was emotionally deprived and humiliated publicly on a regular basis. All of which he would deny in a loud voice. It's odd how abusers never can see the harm and damages of their actions.

When a person is in an abusive relationship, there is nothing anyone can say to change the way they feel until they've had enough - no matter how abusive a relationship is.

Reading articles on Helium really helped me to take a stance once and for all about what I needed to do. It's been five months, since I've left the marriage for the third time, in five years - with no chance of going back.

I know I must go through the process of forgiving him for the lies, the cheating and the worse thing - the betrayal.

The biggest part of my forgiveness is in forgiving myself for some of the things I have done and that I know was instrumental in the failure of our marriage.

Currently, I am where I need to be emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I am in therapy working through some issues that I know played a part in the whole debacle.

The divorce has been filed and I am excited about getting back my name and my life so that I can put this all behind me and move forward.

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