by Catherine M. Harris

Created on: April 01, 2009

Your friend is just heading for trouble, you think, perhaps they are already there. So how do you tell them they're in an unhealthy relationship? Should you even say something?

This is a very delicate subject since what you define as unhealthy may be perfectly fine in your friend's opinion. It is a subjective thing, deciding who is best for someone. And in telling them what you truly think is dangerous - you may lose that friendship, even turn them against you.

If what you deem to be unhealthy is a matter of them spending too much time with the person, or they are not what you think would be the best kind of person - for religious, age, financial status, job status, previous relationship reasons - it may be best to keep your opinions to yourself. There are many reasons why a person is drawn to someone, and why a relationship works. That person you feel is a total waste of time in your eyes may in fact be a very kind and loving person to your friend. Unless you are in the relationship, you simply don't know all the intimate details.

There is a point though where unhealthy is a serious issue. When your friend is subject to physical or verbal abuse, is being taken financially, is in a very controlling relationship or one where they or their children are put in danger due to substance abuse, criminal activity or violent behavior then certainly it would be in their best interest to draw their attention to it.

When a person is in a relationship they will be seeing it through an emotional filter that does colour their impression of the person they are involved with; this is particularly true at the beginning when they are in the first blush of romance and the object of their affection can do no wrong. Trying to broach the subject at that time may be pointless as they will become defensive and it may drive them to be closer to that person.

When it's a grey area, where you aren't sure if what you suspect is happening is real or just your own dislike of the individual, it would be a good idea to gently approach mutual friends and get their take on the matter. Do they all feel this person is horrible or is it just you?

Maybe the person himself isn't really all that bad but the dynamic is. You can have two perfectly good people who, when put together are very argumentative or have a volatile relationship. This is even harder to discuss with your friend because what you are seeing when they are in the company of others may not be what is experienced between them when they are

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