by Ogelthorpe Q. Sighvatson

Created on: March 30, 2009   Last Updated: March 31, 2009

Which restaurant has the best cheeseburgers? It is a question that has plagued mankind ever since the second hamburger joint opened down the road from the first place to put grilled ground beef betwixt pieces of bread. It one that I can not answer for you.

This is not to say that I can not tell you where you can get the best burger within walking distance of my house. That I can, and will, do. The fact of the matter, however, is that the best burger is rarely going to come from some homogenized national chain that will allow someone in Spokane to read these words written in Allentown and know exactly where to go.

The best burger in any given community is going to come from someplace unexpected. Generally, it should be someplace that has been in business for years with generations of regulars and a diverse lunchtime crowd vying for elbow room.

In my neck of the woods, the indepenent restaurant of choice is a little place called Wertz's Cafe. A broad selection of burgers, often with cheese and topping mixed right in to the ground beef before the entire thing is grilled to your liking and served alongside a mountain of frizzled onions.

In your town, it could be that creepy little dive bar down the road or the truck stop along the interstate. The best cheeseburger in town might be grilled up by a tattooed biker who's secret is gruyere cheese and a splash of bourbon on the grill.

I don't know specifically where you will find the best cheeseburgers in your area, but I can give you some hints.

1. Check the parking lot. Do you see a BMWs parked next to rusted out pick up trucks with a group of choppers near the door and soccer mom minivan under the brightest flood light? Good sign. A diverse clientele is evidence of universally great food.

2. Breathe deeply. Do you smell searing cow flesh? Does it smell good? Is your mouth watering and your stomach growling? Excellent you're getting closer.

3. Observe the seating options. Can you choose between the instant gratification of counter service or the comfort of a table? This is a little less tried and true as many of the best burgers I've had have been served miles away from the nearest table; but counter service, whether on foot or stool, tends to be a good sign.

4. Scope out the staff. Do the employees look well-fed? Are there people behind the counter who look like they may be paid in burgers? Good sign. Be wary of the skinny burger cook. Again not a guarantee one way or the other, but something to consider.

5. Get out there and eat! Have you placed your order and tried the burger? The proof is in the pudding my friends. Next time you're on your way to Wendy's or Burger King (the clown's place does not even enter into this conversation), keep your eye on the neon that you pass along the way.
A far finer thing may be lurking just around the corner from your usual pit stop.

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