by Bethany Birley

Created on: January 28, 2007   Last Updated: February 09, 2012

This is an important question and one to which there are several routes to the answer. One reason might fit one person and another may suit their friend. I shall look at some of the answers that have a specific personality attached before giving a final conclusion.

The first personality type to bring under the spotlight of this question is a rescuer. A rescuer is someone who would rather save others than save themselves. It's not a healthy thing to be and is examined under TA's triangle of persecutor, victim, rescuer.

Examples for this are the fireman who enters the building to save a cat, or soldier who comes under fire so another is not shot. I am sure you can think of some rescuers who you have known.
"Psychologies" magazine in UK recently published an article on women who rescued their husbands. Rescuing and saving others gives these people power.

The second person here is miss generosity. She is someone who likes to give things but hates to receive them. Her gifts can be quite an extravagant but she isn't really putting her needs behind if she has a need to give. The problem with her is that another person can feel guilty because they have nothing to give back.
An example for this is a friend who is always bringing flowers or inviting you to dinner. They are rewarded enough by the presence of your company and that you can forgive their shortcomings.
Somewhere along the line they never learnt the famous saying, "Never A Borrower Or Lender Be".

The third example to look at is Shame. Shame makes a person feel their feelings are unworthy and that others deserve more. Of course they push to get attention as much as everyone else, but they don't feel they deserve it. They have perhaps struggled more or seen nastier things that have caused them to hate themselves. Shame drives a person also to not say how they feel, in case another is angry.
This is an unpleasant head- space to be in and the important thing to remember is no person in worthless. In the eyes of someone each person in the world will find worth, probably even Adolf Hitler, Margaret Thatcher and Osama Bin Laden.
Examples for this are people who play PLOM (Poor Little Old Me). This is mentioned in "Games People Play" and it means people who feel sorry for themselves and not as strong as others all the time.

In conclusion, there are many reasons to why some people put others first. Not all of these are positive, and not all are negative. If someone wants to put others first is it really a bad thing? In my opinion not.

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