by Amanda Ballard

Created on: March 30, 2009   Last Updated: March 31, 2009

I was 23, attending a university four hours from home. I was in my third semester when I started talking to a guy online. We had actually met through an online dating site and a month after talking online I went to meet him while I was on winter break. It was doomed from the start but I didn't see that at first. He was the first guy I had ever had any real feelings for and I thought I was in love at the time.

It was doomed because he lived across state, 3 1/2 hours from me, his father didn't approve of me, and I realized a couple months into the relationship that me and him were moving at different paces, in different directions. I was ready for a committed relationship but he wasn't. Even after him telling me he didn't think it would work the stubborn, persistent side of me said "yes, it can and it will!" so we were together just four months. I drove and visited him a few times and each time we said goodbye it got harder and harder. I did have feelings for him, I truly did care about him and every time we said goodbye I wondered if that would be the last time I ever saw him.

We argued a bit online, and I don't remember how many nights I'd fall asleep with tears on my cheeks because I was stressed and worried about him and the relationship. I missed him between our visits and when we did get a chance to visit for a few days at a time it never felt like it was enough. When we'd say goodbye everything in me screamed to just stay there with him and at the time it's where I wanted to be.

The last visit was in May, during the weekend of my birthday and it ended up being the saddest birthday I had ever had. The day before my birthday we talked and decided to call it quits but agreed to be friends and to this day we are still are but all we do is chat online. We were both angry at not really having a chance to even try to make it work because of circumstances beyond our control. The morning of my birthday I left and I will not forget that morning for a long time. He walked me to the car after sharing one final kiss and for a long moment we stood by my car and didn't say anything. He took my hand, told me he was sorry, started to cry and we said goodbye and I got in the car and drove away. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw him crying and then I started crying and I cried for most of the drive home.

He was my first serious boyfriend and even though I know it never would have worked out it still hurt and took a while to get over it but now I am engaged and I know what real love feels like and I know now that what I felt before wasn't real love, but affection.

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