by Julian Greene

Created on: March 29, 2009   Last Updated: February 15, 2010

Despite the openness of the subject of polyamorous relationships in the last few years, confusion reigns. Everyone's experience of it will be different, and there's no checklist or "test" to take to see if it's right for you. Even the definition of polyamorous differs from person to person, couple to couple, threesome to group.

Literally, polyamorous simply means many loves. People usually use that basic definition to differentiate themselves from "swingers." But even that gets confusing. At the most basic, people identifying themselves as polyamorous are implying that they are in an open sexual relationship where both partners have agreed to have other partners, most often for the mutual enjoyment of both, but not always. It can be further distilled to "polyfidelous," which implies that there are more than two partners, but that all partners involved have a mutual agreement of sexual fidelity to each other - the safest way to play.

In deciding what's right for you, whether you are one of a couple who desires to be polyamorous, or a single contemplating joining a polyamorous couple or group, open discussion between all parties is most desirable. Be skeptical of any guy who indicates that his wife is allowing him to be the emissary and shows up alone. Polyamory only works when everyone is in full accord.

The hardest thing is finding compatible partners. Many times the new partner will be attractive to one member of the twosome, but not the other. Couples wanting to become polyamorous need to agree on new playmates or partners. The new person should not feel bad if he or she doesn't hear from the couple again after the first meeting. And the first meeting should be just that - a meeting of the minds. Figure out whether you like these people or this person first before embarking on a sexual relationship with them.

One thing that must be understood is about "pecking order." Despite a couple's assurance that they want the other person to be an "equal" partner, it rarely happens, and it's best to go into such a relationship knowing that. Face it, we're not acculturated for polygamy unless we've been raised in that kind of culture. The third person should not assume he or she is being brought in to replace the other partner nor because the other partner is inadequate. This sets up a tension that is needless and destructive. Polyamorous women are usually not jealous - unless given a reason to be. They enjoy sharing their partner and that needs to be understood on its

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