by Russ Vanheel

Created on: March 28, 2009   Last Updated: February 18, 2012

A Premonition

I don't like to remember him. I don't even like to think about him. But in spite of that he'd eventually become a malignant tumor in my brain.

There was a time in my life that I thought I knew too many things. And these things that I knew had all just happened. It never occurred to me to ask any questions. I just accepted them and left them alone. When I think back to the way I was at this time now I have a tendency to come to conclusions attributed to ignorance. But maybe this isn't appropriate and wasn't the case. The truth is that my knowledge was lacking and completely devoid of any wisdom. And there's a significant difference between this fact and the simple summation of ignorance. Wisdom is mostly acquired through life and experience. And it's more correctly defined as moving to a higher level of knowledge than any kind of an intelligence thing.

Sometimes back then I would stress my opinions to somebody and they'd ask me why I felt that way that I did. And I wouldn't know what to say to them. That's because I never thought about it. Too many things I'd decided back then were like this and just happened on split second impulses. And that was good enough for me and I just left them that way. But then when I got older and reached a crucial period in my life where I had to face painfully hard facts about myself I started to question things such as this. And I'd moved to a higher place pretty far from where I was and even though I was still more or less the same it was what was at the core of me that had changed and would continue to change. This is a transition and I'm still foregoing it now. I may very likely be foregoing it for the rest of my life.

I still don't like to remember him or even think about him but sometimes I do it anyway. And it's no longer a malignant tumor in my brain but one that's benign and will be there forever. The malignancy thing of it is solely up to me and nothing else. I didn't know this when I knew him but I do know it now.

His name was Nate and he was a hopeless and pathetic lost soul. Too many horrible things that had happened to him before I knew him had rid him of his old self and made it too scared to come back. Nate's physical presence was hollow and an empty shell. He had no backbone left and no adrenaline inside of him. His demeanor and the whole of what he had left which amounted to nothing had him trapped in a constant fetal position and everybody could see it. He wore it on his face and in his eyes and

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