by Amanda Ballard

Created on: March 27, 2009   Last Updated: March 28, 2009

I first experienced the death of a family member when I was five years old. My dad's father passed away and at the time I didn't fully understand what was happening. I went to the funeral and I remember knowing Grandpa was dead and in heaven and we'd never see him again. I was so young that his death didn't bother me as much.

When my great grandmother died when I was in the 4th grade, it hit me harder because I was closer to her and still think she was the nicest lady I've ever known. I have fond memories of going to her house, hugging her and smelling her homemade bread and pies and when I was stung by a wasp she took care of it.

When my grandpa died on my mom's side in January of 2002, the year I graduated High School, it hit me the hardest. It hit all my family hard, knocked us to our knees and it took us all a long time to get back up. I can't say I was very close to my grandpa. He was a quiet man and we never just sat down and talked. He raised cattle, liked dogs, loved fishing and had a very unique voice that I'll never forget. I remember the night he passed away. It was a weekend I believe because my younger cousin was spending the night with me. We got a call that night and my parents rushed off to somewhere, I didn't know where she was going at the time. We just knew whatever had happened was bad, so we waited and waited to hear back from somebody and find out what was going on. An hour later my dad comes home, and in a calm voice told me, my brother, and my cousin what happened. At first I was quiet. I was stunned and in disbelief that my grandpa could be gone so suddenly. He hadn't been sick, he had been up playing shuffleboard with his buddies and collapsed. The short ride to my grandparent's house was the longest I had ever endured. The entire time I was thinking, "This can't be right, he'll be OK." When the car stopped at my grandma's house I started to lose it and when I saw my mom's face I went to her and we hugged for a long time and that is where I broke down. We both cried for what seemed 10 minutes. I couldn't stop and when I finally did I was exhausted physically and mentally. I felt numb and heavy at the same time. He had a 21 gun salute at the funeral and to this day I still recall every small detail and on some days I still can't bear to hear the songs that were played.

My high school graduation was bittersweet without my grandpa there. He was so proud of me and fully supported my decision to try to go to vet school but after that plans changed and I never attempted to even get into vet school. Like all the other people who are now no longer in my life, I think about my grandpa a lot and his death hit me the hardest because it was so sudden we didn't have a chance to say goodbye. The family dealt with the sudden loss by hanging onto all the videos of him over the years, and we still talk about stories about him, about his life. As long as the memories are there that person is never really dead. When I start to forget what his voice sounded like I dig out old movies, have a good cry and remember again.

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