I hope that the terrible things that I went through can help someone else avoid the same awful childhood that I had.Mental illness can be a root cause of child abuse as you will discove by reading my reflections on my childhood.I would not want anyone else to go through what I have been through and maybe by reading my story,you can realize if you are dealing someone who has serious issues with anger and what to do about it. That person may even be you.
My father had serious anger issues that I witnessed and was subject to at an early age.He had an explosive and violent temper.And it did not take much to set him off.The earliest memory I can remember was being hidden, along with my oldest brother, by his parents(My grandparents.) I remember my Grandaddy hiding us under a long shelf at his store and covering us up with big empty sacks we picked cotton with.I also remember my father charging into the store and demanding to know where we were and my grandparents telling him that they didn't know.I do not remember what happened when he did find us and have probably blocked it from my mind.
My father's anger was directed at not only me and mostly my older brother,but also my mom and anyone that disagreed with him.I can remember many times when we would be in the car and he would get angry at another driver and actually race the other car.With his entire family in there at the time.I was particularly terrified when we would be on a bridge and he would be driving so fast and reckless.All I could do was scream and to this day,I am terrified of going over bridges.My mother could only beg him to stop and he never listened to her.
He actually started a fight with a man who bumped him in passing on a sidewalk.It was awful.He threatened people with violence and his anger knew no bounds and could not be contained.Every football game we ever went to ended with him getting into arguments with people who made him angry. You had to hold your breath every where you went with him.
MY older brother was his favorite target and it did not take much to set him off.I would dread when he came home with his report card.One year,he actually tore his report card up.I could not believe he did that but I guess he thought if daddy couldn't see his bad grades,he could not punish him.He was so very wrong.The anger displayed by my father that day is burned into my brain like a brand.He beat my brother with a baseball bat and when he got tired of that, he used his hands.He actually was trying to break my brother's arms and legs with his bare hands.All the while,I am screaming and throwing up in the background while my mother is trying to pull him off.It is sickening to remember.
My father was also extremely creative and built a lot of things by hand including two of my mom's dog kennels.Unfortunately my brother and I were his helpers.If you did not hold a nail just so or you let a board slip,you could expect a slap across the face and an angry tirade about how useless and stupid you were.I don't know which was worse.They both hurt.
Many times he would come home from work and as soon as we heard the sound of that car pulling into the garage,it would be the sickest feeling in the pit of your stomach.He would come through the door angry and cursing about his day and how he wished he could blow everyone's head off.If my mom dared to make a comment it would turn into how stupid we all were and we weren't worth the powder it would take to blow our brains out.And on and on.It was awful and these types of days would repeat over and over.
I finally told my mom that there had to be something wrong with him.Normal people do not get angry like that.I was right.He had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized.He was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.He heard voices and he believed people were plotting against him.He was put on medication and sent to a psychiatrist.There were many medicines he could not take and many shrinks that could not help him.Anyone who has ever dealt with a mentally ill person knows it is of the utmost importance to have a good psychiatrist.Especially with a patient that can not control their anger.It is a matter of life and death for the family and basically anyone that pisses them off.
On one occasion, he had gotten angry with my mom as she was cooking.I was in my bedroom with the door open.I saw him as he raised a hand gun and aimed at my mother.I screamed "Stop It!" He actually started laughing and said he wasn't going to fire the gun.But in the next sentence he told me,"you'll pay for that, you little bitch." This is only one of so many examples of a person with anger issues that are not normal.What normal person could even image doing such a thing?
Another time,he was cooking on a grill he had made outside and it started to rain.He told me to go outside and turn the hamburgers over.Well, when I tried to I could not figure out how to get the top back on it because it was something that he had made and it did not sit on the top.He was so angry that he came outside and threw all the hamburgers and the hot charcoal on my legs.Then he took my two brothers to town with him to get hamburgers.He left me and my mom there with nothing.And you know, a lot of my neighbors who were also kin to us,never did anything because they were afraid of him.Afraid of his anger and the violence that went with it.
I did try many times to get help at school.I would go to the headmaster and tell them what was going on and that we needed help.Both times, my father was called to the school and told what I had said.Of course,he said I made it all up and I was the problem and not him.The only saving grace was that I was very popular in school with everyone.School was like an escape for me and I loved it and I guess my personality was so open and free with everyone that I had many friends.And my friends knew what the truth was.Some of them had been to my house and they had been witness to the anger.Not many of them wanted to come back.I couldn't blame them.
If a person is diagnosed with this type of disorder,it is imperative that they take their medicine to control the disorder and the behavior that goes with it.Many times,my father would not take his medicine.On one particular occasion,he became so angry after an argument with my mom that he left. My mom said he had not been taking his medicine.The next day,he came back.My mom had gone to town.I was at the house with my (then) husband and my sister-in-law.He went into the bedroom.At this time my father was a state constable(can you believe it) and carried a gun.My husband asked him where he had been.He replied that it was none of his damn business.Well dummy had to say,"I think it is because we have been worried about you all night." To which my father replied by pulling his gun and firing at my husband.The bullet went into the floor between his legs.My sister-in-law started screaming and as she ran into the bathroom,I saw my father take aim at her head.Lucky for her,she got into the bathroom and locked the door.We ran to my cousin's house and called the sheriff because I knew he would kill my mom when she got home if he wasn't stopped.The sheriff came with some deputies and do you know that he came out and said he was not going to hurt anyone.The gun accidentally went off. Being that the sheriff was my dad's cousin,the case was closed before it ever could start. We were left with a madman.
I could tell so many more stories about my dad but the most significant one that I want to tell you is the one that saved my mom's life(again).
After so many years of abuse, my brother walked into my parents' bedroom to find my dad strangling my mom.He pulled him off and they called me.When I went over there,I was so ANGRY.I had had enough.I picked up the phone to call the sheriff.My father tried to get to me but both of my brothers held him back.The deputies came and they took my dad to the hospital.At that time he was seeing a new psychiatrist.After a couple of days,my mom was called to come for a meeting.She begged us to go with her.My brothers would not go but I said that I would.I was working at Hughes Aircraft at the time and would have to get off work and also needed to go back afterwards.
I went to the hospital and we sat there and the psychiatrist asked my dad why he did what he did to my mom.He lied and said it was an accident and it just appeared that way to my brother when he came in.He was not trying to strangle my mom.Well, my mom pulled a photo out of her purse and handed it to the doctor.The doctor looked at the photo and told my dad, "This is no accident." It was a photo of my mom and her neck had a huge black and blue circle around it. I told the doctor what my father had done to me and how he could not control his anger.My father was furious.The psychiatrist told him he could not come back home because he was too dangerous.My dad yelled out,"Why, because you believe that thing over there?" I was that thing. I had to go back to work with those awful words ringing in my ears. I went into the restroom and cried several times and my friends all were there for me.It is a day I can never forget.
My father did not come home again except on weekends.The new psychiatrist was the best one he had ever had.After 36 shock treatments that did not help,he finally got the right medicine and help.He was a different person.He asked our forgiveness.He came home to stay only after he was diagnosed with melanoma and there was no hope of his survival.
I hope in telling this story that anyone who is with someone who cannot control their anger will see that it can be an underlying mental problem that needs to be addressed. Normal people do get angry and lose their tempers,but not to this extreme.If you know someone who has displayed any of this type of abusive anger( including yourself),I beg you to get help.There is so much more help available now than when my family was going through this.This is now called child abuse and domestic violence.Do not delay in seeking help.It could mean your life as well as your children's.I believe many workplace shootings are a result of mental illness that has not been treated properly, if at all.
Anger is something that must be addressed.Repeated episodes of anger and especially anger with violent outbursts are a signal that must not be ignored.Get help now.Later may be too late.