In a world full of lifeless corpses inhabiting government, schools, recording studios, and Hollywood, now, more than ever, being able to identify a true zombie can mean the difference between living or dying, then coming back again. Before you gas up your old school weed wacker(the one with the blade not that wimpy plastic string), make a bandoleer out of your belt for your shotgun shells, or get your hands on a military grade flame thrower, it is vital to be able to recognize the face of the true undead(as opposed to those deemed talented by Simon Cowell).
First and foremost, zombies can be found in certain areas. As much fun as it would be to unleash a fury of exploding tipped bullets from your M60 into a Dr Phil audience, even mindless undead flesh eating zombies have enough sense to stay away from that scene. Cemeteries are to zombies what rehab is to anyone under 21 in Hollywood. Legions of undead can be found digging their way out and into your neighborhood. A sure sign zombies have made their way to the surface of the cemetery's landscape will be the holes leading to empty coffins littered amongst the cemetery. Be sure to look for those who seem to be missing large sections of their skin or other vital organs meandering around. A sure fire guarantee you have yourself a zombie invasion will be when you actually see them breaching the surface. For some reason zombies can be seen at the mall in your area. Usually stumbling around the parking lot somewhere near those skateboarders. If you notice a whole mess of people slowly moving toward the front doors of the mall with their arms raised in front of them and killing anyone happening by, get yourself some chains and some strong padlocks for those front doors. In rare cases, zombies will be relegated to a long since abandoned suburban neighborhood. You and the rest of humanity will be contained behind electrified fencing and living within the boundaries of anonymous CEO's manipulation and in a police state society. If you happen to be a lucky one living in a secure environment, then rest assured, anywhere outside of the safety of thousands of watts of electrified fence and armed guards lies towns full of zombies. Take inventory of the businesses surrounding and amid your community. After the 'Y', some schools, a few known businesses, if you come across a curiously mysterious laboratory sitting along atop a grassy hill that no one seems to know anything about....my friend you have yourself a man made zombie breeding ground. Bioengineered chemicals inducing a zombie like state are being made like Mojitos at the Kentucky Derby.
Whether your undead have recently made their way from slumbering away in their coffin, been infested with alien leeches nesting and procreating on your frontal lobe, or have been the unfortunate victim of a man made virus, your looks will all be similar. Being undead means being pale, even for the best tanned college coed. A yellow akin to the jaundiced homeless guy who has been living on MadDog 20/20 since 1983, may also tint your skin. Look for a zombie to be missing chunks of skin. This is due to long spans being dead and also to bite wounds inflicted from undead attackers looking to make some friends. Flesh ripped or rotted away from the bone(and yet they continue to walk about as if nothing is wrong) is a sure sign something is rotten in the state of Denmark. Be mindful of the zombie stench. "What stench is that?", you ask? Imagine not taking a shower for a good 3 or 4 months, combined with the loss of blood flow to your body, mix in your lunch this afternoon consisting of a stray dog and the mailman's brains, add the fact that you have been dead for some time and finish it off with large deposits of yours and others blood drying on your tattered clothing. That's the zombie stench. Blood is also sure to be apart of any legitimate zombie. They have recently crawled from the grave or escaped their laboratory confinement only to snack on unsuspecting victim's brains and other vital organs. Look for blood. Oozing blood from openings all over their body seemingly with no ill effects can also be a good clue. Whatever liquids remain in their undead bodies seems to find it's way to the surface and push it's way out of their bodies.
Zombie's, for the most part, stumble along at a pace reminiscent of a marathon held at an old folk's home. Being undead plays havoc with motor skills. In rare cases(usually the man made virus cases) zombies might be seen running a 4.2 forty. These zombies that could run down Adrian Peterson from behind more than likely came from that laboratory you were warned about. These zombies had the particular fortune of skipping being buried and having to dig their way to the surface. Their muscles never atrophied. In fact, the zombie virus accidentally released into the cooling vents has made them almost superhuman in their lust to rend your flesh and bones. Think of these zombies like killer bees. Accidentally released with no useful purpose but to make the rest of our lives living hells. With their aggression and speed, you'll have to combine some of the other clues for identification before you go about emptying your fully automatic assault rifle into what you think is a zombie but is just your hot neighbor working off some steam by running wind sprints at the high school track.
So there you go but take heed before heading out into battle with Hell's rejects. Before you laser lock your mother in law's forehead in your high caliber handgun's sights, review(quickly) your clues to the identification of the undead. Clues that can be used not just the cast of the new 90210 but the truly undead.