by Jimmy Ettele

Created on: March 26, 2009

In a world full of lifeless corpses inhabiting government, schools, recording studios, and Hollywood, now, more than ever, being able to identify a true zombie can mean the difference between living or dying, then coming back again. Before you gas up your old school weed wacker(the one with the blade not that wimpy plastic string), make a bandoleer out of your belt for your shotgun shells, or get your hands on a military grade flame thrower, it is vital to be able to recognize the face of the true undead(as opposed to those deemed talented by Simon Cowell).

First and foremost, zombies can be found in certain areas. As much fun as it would be to unleash a fury of exploding tipped bullets from your M60 into a Dr Phil audience, even mindless undead flesh eating zombies have enough sense to stay away from that scene. Cemeteries are to zombies what rehab is to anyone under 21 in Hollywood. Legions of undead can be found digging their way out and into your neighborhood. A sure sign zombies have made their way to the surface of the cemetery's landscape will be the holes leading to empty coffins littered amongst the cemetery. Be sure to look for those who seem to be missing large sections of their skin or other vital organs meandering around. A sure fire guarantee you have yourself a zombie invasion will be when you actually see them breaching the surface. For some reason zombies can be seen at the mall in your area. Usually stumbling around the parking lot somewhere near those skateboarders. If you notice a whole mess of people slowly moving toward the front doors of the mall with their arms raised in front of them and killing anyone happening by, get yourself some chains and some strong padlocks for those front doors. In rare cases, zombies will be relegated to a long since abandoned suburban neighborhood. You and the rest of humanity will be contained behind electrified fencing and living within the boundaries of anonymous CEO's manipulation and in a police state society. If you happen to be a lucky one living in a secure environment, then rest assured, anywhere outside of the safety of thousands of watts of electrified fence and armed guards lies towns full of zombies. Take inventory of the businesses surrounding and amid your community. After the 'Y', some schools, a few known businesses, if you come across a curiously mysterious laboratory sitting along atop a grassy hill that no one seems to know anything about....my friend you have yourself a man made zombie

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