by Kat Apf

Created on: March 24, 2009   Last Updated: March 28, 2009

When we parent teens, every minute of the day can feel like a battle. From getting up for school in the morning to clearing the table at dinner, it can seem as if there's a battle every moment of the day. And that's draining on a parent, plus on the teenager and the rest of the family. So, how do you pick your battles?

Not Everything is a Battle-

As parents we want our kids to do everything they should do but teens are testing out the waters. They want to think for themselves and going against us feels right to them. But you don't want to pick at everything they do. That diminishes the real battles. If you are constantly on them for every little infraction, they'll completely tune you out and when something you feel strongly about comes up, they won't even hear you.

Know Yourself-

We all have certain beliefs and values which are our core. Certain things set off certain people. Everyone has a different set of buttons. And everyone's sense of which buttons cannot be pushed is different. Think clearly on what your core values are and then, go from there on picking your battles. Most of us do not tolerate lying. So, if you're lied to by your teen, they've crossed the battle lines and it's time to arm yourself and prepare for a full out battle.

Most of these core value battles are easy to pick out. You know what you cannot abide by and you make it clear and you stick to it. The smaller battles are harder to choose.

A Time and A Place-

There are times when those smaller issues are just not worth fighting over. It's better to stand your ground over one thing rather than every single thing. Be it making sure they do their homework or getting across that talking back is not allowed, picking one is probably going to work better. If back-talk makes you want to shriek, then go for that today. If they aren't doing well in school and need to get it together, pick homework that day. Sometimes, you have to step back and assess what else is going on before picking a battle.

Expectations-

People live up to our expectations. If we expect little, we get little. If our expectations are too high, we're setting ourselves up for a fall. So, give some thought to what you can reasonably expect of your teen and lay it down. Tell them exactly what you want from them. When you lay down the law, it's a lot easier later. If you're going through a tumultuous time with your teen, in a calm quiet moment, let them know what you expect. And turn the tables, find out what they expect from you. In any relationship, this goes both ways and it's true of a parent/teen relationship, too.

Loosen Up-

Of course, there are certain behaviors that are never acceptable. But those small annoyances can be let go. So they leave their stuff in the family room, so they talk on the phone a little too much, these aren't life altering issues. These are not battles to pick. A wonderful person who leaves their shoes in the middle of the floor, but doesn't lie or talk rudely to everyone on the planet is better than okay. Don't sweat the small stuff is a common expression because it's pretty much true in every aspect of life. Let the little things roll off your back and make sure those core values are the real battle.

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