by Cheryl Abney

Created on: March 23, 2009

For an instant, I wanted to throttle my beloved, elderly mother through the phone.

She knew she was going against the routine her children established to protect her when she commented, "I filled my pill boxes for the month by myself."

Did I hear her right? My calm voice belying my inner frustration, I asked, "You filled the pill boxes, mom?"

"Oh, it took me awhile, but I got it done."

"But Comfort Keepers is scheduled to come once a month to do it." My voice took on a pleading tone when I added, "That's your concession to us, mom. Letting them fill your pill boxes to relieve you of the stress and confusion."

"Well, they can do it next month . . . maybe," she said. Did I hear a giggle? I think she was enjoying this conversation. We could take away her car; we could take away her checkbook and control how much money she gifted; but she was asserting herself on the pill front.

My sweet, unimposing mother has dementia in the form of short-term memory loss. A few months ago, she agreeably let her children move her into an independent living complex. She loves the friends she has made, the daily exercise program, the games and field trips. However, there is always concern for her welfare, because we children are scattered across the country and communicating by phone and email to stay on the same page regarding.

Initially alerted by mother's friends and sisters of her confusion and failing memory, we made unforeseen trips, contacted her doctors, and searched for and discussed other living arrangements. We've learned the following in our efforts to be responsible caretakers.

Independent Living, Assisted Living, or Nursing Home:

Friends and relatives in the area can advise places to consider when it seems a change is necessary for health and safety. We visited an establishment mom had her heart set on, where she'd often visited the residents. Though impressed, we continued to look at another found on the internet. Once mother saw the latter, she changed her mind and remains happy with her decision. It is important to listen and respect their wishes after visiting at least two residences. Questions to address include:

How safe is the neighborhood?
How available are doctors, pharmacies, banks, and stores?
How much assistance is needed by the parent?
What amenities are provided; like on-site assistive care, hairdressers, chapel?
What safety features are provided in the rooms?
How big a living area is desired and affordable?
How friendly are the residents and staff?
Downsizing:

I often

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