Friends are a crucial part of an individual's social support system. Because "good" friends are there for us when we need them, most people feel that they should also be available for their friends in a time a need. However, while we may only want what is best for our beloved friends, and while we may not want to see them get hurt, sometimes we are faced with the difficult question of whether or not to sit back and let our friends make potentially harmful decisions, or whether we should intervene. So, should you interfere in a friend's unhealthy relationship?
We may wish that there were a simple and finite answer for this question, but the reality is that every situation is different. Therefore, it is crucial that we ask ourselves some very important questions before we make the decision over whether or not to interfere in a friend's relationship.
Consider the nature of your friendship.
How long have you known your friend? How close are you to one another? If two people have developed a friendship over the course of several years, they may feel more comfortable expressing individual opinions with one another than friends who have only recently begun to develop their relationship. If you know your friend very well, it is likely that you know how they will see your intervention as a hindrance or as worthy advice from a concerned friend.
Consider your friend's relationship.
How much do you really know about your friend's relationship? Often, individuals can only make a judgment about a friend's relationship based on what that friend has offered to disclose. It is important that you remain realistic when you consider how much you really know about your friend's partner and your friend's relationship. Rather than making negative comments or jumping to conclusions about your friend's partner, ask your friend what he or she is getting from the relationship. Are they happy? Listen to your friend when he or she talks about his/her partner and relationship. Getting your friend's perspective is crucial to helping you understand the reasons why he or she has chosen to be with this particular partner. Keep in mind that just because YOU feel that the relationship is "unhealthy" or that your friend's partner isn't "good enough" for them, doesn't mean that you have a right to intervene and attempt to control your friend's life choices. People are bound to make mistakes and as good friends, our job is to be supportive of their decisions and be there for them if and when difficult situations arise.
However, if your friend's relationship is "unhealthy" because his or her partner is abusive, then be sure that you are frank and direct in your conversations with your friend. Physical abuse is not okay under any circumstances. Not only is an abusive relationship dangerous, domestic violence IS illegal. If your friend is the victim of domestic abuse, you should immediately report the situation. Regardless of how strong you feel that your friend may be, if he or she is not taking adequate steps to ensure his or her safety, then you are responsible for doing so. Even if you risk losing your relationship with your friend, keep their best interests at the forefront of your thoughts. Losing a friend is well worth it if you can save his or her life by interfering.
If you do make the decision to interfere...
If you do make the decision to interfere in a friend's unhealthy relationship, then be sure that you tread lightly. Rather than put your friend down for being involved in what you consider an unhealthy relationship with a "toxic" partner, remember to keep the focus on your friend. Ask them about what they want and need from a partner in a relationship. Ask them whether or not they are happy. Posing these questions and maintaining the focus on your friend could allow them to see things from a different perspective that they may not have considered before. However, most importantly, as a friend it is your job to listen and remain supportive. Shed light on your friend's strengths and remind him or her about their value as a unique individual.
Know your limits.
Even if you do choose to interfere in a friend's unhealthy relationship, you should always know your limits and keep within your boundaries. Aside from instances when abuse is taking place, individuals should respect their friends' boundaries and privacy. At the end of the day, you are not involved in your friend's relationship and only he or she and their partner is capable of working out their issues. While you can certainly offer advice if a friend asks for it, and while in extremely close relationships friends frequently express their honest opinions, a crucial element in maintaining a happy and healthy friendship is to know your limits. Do not overstep your boundaries by making negative remarks about your friend's partner, or putting them down about their decisions. Instead, encourage your friend to look inside him or herself for the "right" answer concerning their relationship.
Part of being a good friend is knowing when and how to express opinions and when to simply sit back and offer yourself up as a springboard for your friend's venting. Although we may want to do whatever we can to protect our friends and keep them from getting hurt, the reality is that everyone has to make their own choices in life and learn from their own mistakes. Aside from becoming involved in a friend's unhealthy relationship when abuse is taking place, the best that we can do as friends is to simply listen to and offer support for our friends regardless of what decisions they make.