by Stacie84

Created on: March 23, 2009

Love it or hate it the "L" word features the heavily in all our lives. It is responsible in some way for most of the major emotions that we experience. Love can bring with it a total sense of euphoria, a happiness that cannot be outdone. On the other hand the loss of a loved one can be earth shattering, so devastating that some people never recover from it. So are we so afraid to experience such a heightened roller-coaster of emotions that we simply block it out? Is this why we are afraid to fall in love?

Sadly in my case it is love itself that has built up these barriers around my heart. Realising the intensity of the situation and the complete heartbreak when it all goes wrong, has scarred me so much that I am terrified of putting myself through it again. I have an automatic reaction to distance myself from any relationship that I fear may lead to an emotional bond and this is becoming a problem for me. In wanting to be loved so badly, I am hurting others.

Like any excitable little girl, I danced around in dress-up clothes dreaming of my perfect wedding from an early age completely oblivious to all the heatache that lay ahead of me. I just imagined that when I got older some handsome man would just waltz into my life and whisk me away, destined for a beautifully happily family life. I am still waiting for that day.

It isn't until you grow up, that those sweet little childhood dreams are shattered. To be replaced by the murky reality of constant tears and heart-breaking rows. Along with the sad truth that often we have to face the fact that the person that we love simply doesn't love us back.

The saddest part for me though, is that I seem to have been so deeply affected by the fear of the L word, that I may have to face the only the thing that scares me more than being in love..loneliness.

I am finding it so hard to open up that I may well have just lost the only person that will ever truly love me, all for fear of becoming vulnerable. You see, love, is so complexed that we often can't see what we are doing is only going to cause further heartache. By cutting myself off from these feelings I am throwing way the chance of ever being truly complete. Surely that is scarier than taking the plunge and giving it a go?

So, whilst it may be too late for me to change my ways on this one, I have learned that opening yourself up to love, can make you vulnerable and may involve getting hurt but denying yourself the opportunity to have that experience is thousand times more painful.

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