by Michelle Hozey

Created on: March 23, 2009   Last Updated: April 02, 2009

"Woot! A new superhero movie!" my husband and I said simultaneously as the trailer for Watchmen rolled on the big screen. Of course we had to see it on opening weekend. We found out some friends were going and hopped right on that train and headed to the movies.

I was entranced throughout the beginning of the movie, although the first fight scene was a little lacking in excitement. Jackie Chan fights look more real than the fight between the Comedian and his unknown assailant. But, I figured I could deal with it because the effects were so amazing. The history intertwined into the story really caught my attention. There were the Watchmen with the president, and - oh wow - there's Kennedy's assassination. As I watched that part in the beginning I was completely caught up in the movie and the history.

Then the rest of the movie continued. And continued. And continued. The first hour, hour-and-a-half, of the movie was fantastic. Then I grew tired of the camera zooming in on the blue penis and also the unbelievability of the characters. I understand that it's not a movie made to be incredibly realistic and I have an awesome imagination, but I just wasn't buying it.

-Spoiler Alert-

I figured out who the bad guy was before he was declared the bad guy, or the good guy who did a bad thing so he could do a good thing, whatever. How did I figure it out? Duh. He was a "nice guy" who was obviously in love with himself and he had a horrible lisp.

The love interest triangle - square, whatever - was incredibly unconvincing. The girl's going to leave the blue guy who could split himself into three and take whatever shape he wanted and hook up with the whiny guy instead? "Guys, I don't think we should do this ... Come on, guyssss."

The sex was unnecessary. I can understand a little bit of sex in a movie, though I've never been a fan, but seriously. Do they have to show the whole scene through to the climax? Maybe that's just a personal gripe, but I much prefer a closed door and an indication of what they're going to do behind that closed door, as opposed to having to sit through a three-minute scene with a bunch of flopping breasts and mad humping.

I couldn't relate to any of the characters. The only one that really struck me as truly heroic was Rorshach. He wasn't a whiny little baby. He got things done. There was violence wherever he went, but it wasn't stupid, needless violence. He was violent for a reason. There were times when he got a bit emotional, but he wasn't whining and crying the whole time like certain other characters who couldn't seem to come to grips with their own emotions.

I go to see movies like that as an escape from reality. I don't want to see heroes that I could beat in a fist fight by making them cry over the puppy they lost when they were a child. I want to see a character that I can relate to, or wish I was. I don't want to see a movie about normal people who put on capes and masks and whine all the way to saving the world. I want to see people that I can imagine being in their shoes and imagine being the hero and not taking crap from anyone and beat the bad guys and save the world. There was no emotional satisfaction in Watchmen. And where were the superpowers?

Overall I'd give the movie a sideways thumb. It was put together nicely. The graphics were excellent. The story sucked. The characters were awful. Maybe that's why I never got into comic books.

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