by Carol Anne Massi

Created on: March 23, 2009

When my grandmother and her daughter-in-law were both widowed, my very independent aunt discussed with my grandmother a way for them both to benefit. My grandmother had varicose veins and severe osteoporosis. The doctor informed her that she shouldn't be going up and down the stairs in her two-story house. In case she would fall, there would be no one there to help her until someone checked on her, for example.

My aunt had a house that was built on a hill so that it was basically a ranch house with 2 bedrooms, kitchen, bath, living room, dining room on the main [upper] floor. The downstairs consisted of the garage, a recreation room with a wet bar, laundry room, utility room, and storage space. This setup was perfect for my grandmother. However, my grandmother didn't want to leave the house she had lived in for over 50 years.

My aunt appealed to my grandmother's sense of compassion, stating that she was having a hard time making ends meet and could use some help. If my grandmother wouldn't move in with her, my aunt stated that she would probably have to take in a boarder.

My grandmother moved in with her daughter-in-law. They set up the living room so that each had half the furniture. My grandmother's rocking chair. secretary desk, club chair and one sofa joined the other sofa, chairs and end tables of my aunt's. The kitchen was set up with my aunt's everyday dishes and tableware, plus my grandmother's "good" Noritake china and sterling silverware. Each contributed special pots and pans. Together they chose new curtains for the rooms. My grandmother took all of her bedroom furniture with her for "her" new bedroom. She also took along her sheets and towels and my aunt found space for everything. Towels and other things that my aunt had to get rid of to accommodate my grandmother's "stuff" were either given away to other relatives or to one of the charities in town.

Together they planned the menu each week and split the cost of the food. The taxes, gas and electric bills, water bills, telephone were all split equally. If my grandmother made long distance calls, she insisted on paying for them herself. My aunt did all the driving but my grandmother insisted on paying for gas, plus half the automobile insurance. Everything was mostly split down the middle as far as expenses were concerned.

Household chores were split as much as possible. My aunt did all the laundry because my grandmother couldn't go down the stairs and the laundry was on the lower lever. My grandmother paid for a cleaning lady to come once a week to do the things she couldn't do but which she considered her responsibility.

Inasmuch as half the house belonged to my grandmother, there was never any hesitation of her part to invite the "girls" to visit [the youngest "girl" was around 75 if I remember correctly]. If my aunt didn't want the company, then she went out and did something by herself or with a friend, even if it was just to go to a movie or lunch. They respected each other. They also looked out for each other. When my aunt was ill with the flu, my grandmother made her soup, tea, and waited on her. [She told me later that she was sorry my aunt was ill, but that she felt very useful at age 88].

My aunt was a very smart woman. She really didn't need the money, nor the help. She was also a very independent person and was used to going "her own way". However, she knew that my grandmother needed help and knew also that my grandmother was a proud woman. My grandmother never felt as if she were a burden to my aunt. She was doing her fair share, contributing, as well as being a friend and companion for my aunt. In the years that they spent together, I believe that they both benefited greatly from this sharing.

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