by CJ Lee

Created on: March 21, 2009

As a child, I remember fighting with my siblings to get my fair share or to make my voice heard. In those times, one of my father's favorite sayings was "It's not all about you." While often said with force and intended to end the argument, the underlying message remains. Life is not about self or what you want or what makes you happy. Life is infinitely richer than the narrow framework of self. It involves interacting with and caring for other people.

Infants are born self-seeking. It's a matter of survival. If a baby doesn't let her caregiver know that she's hungry, or tired, or wet, or lonely, she won't get the appropriate attention. However, even young babies can learn to entertain themselves when they aren't being coddled every waking minute. Early on, she begins to differentiate between herself and the people around her.

At those early stages of life, the parents make a choice to pander to every felt need of that child, or at some point communicate to him that parents are people too. When an infant is allowed to cry himself to sleep, he learns to comfort himself. When a toddler is told "no" he begins to realize he is not the center of the universe and is not entitled to have all his desires met. He learns some actions are unsafe and others are not kind.

Compassion is also taught in parental response to their children in times of pain, sadness, or fear. Children tend to cry often. An attentive parent learns to distinguish the type of cry. A child needs to know it's okay to feel pain or fear, and that her parent accepts those feelings, before a solution can be sought. Everyone, even at a young age, wants to be heard, not just fixed. When children experience compassion, they can start to express compassion. On the other hand, if she is made to believe her feelings don't matter, that crying is wrong, it will be difficult for her to identify with other people.

The first time my oldest child put her arm around a friend who had been crying, my heart melted. She had seen the pain in someone else, and wanted to do something about it. She had experienced that touch is an effective way to give and receive the support of others, and acted accordingly. It wasn't something I had taught her the same way I taught colors, letters, or shapes. She learned it by experience and the modeling of others.

Compassion is taught in words and actions. Every time a parent makes fun of someone else, calls them a name, or acts rudely toward them, the children are watching and mentally taking notes. Conversely, every time a parent responds to a friend in need, collects items for a food or clothing drive, or volunteers their time, the children will accept it as appropriate and responsible behavior. The bottom line is to teach children that other people matter. No matter what they look like, or where they live, or how they act, all people matter and deserve to be treated with respect and compassion. Children need to be taught that responsibility is about the ability to respond to the needs of others.

As Emanuel Swedenborg said, "Kindness is an inner desire that makes us want to do good things even if we do not get anything in return. It is the joy of our life to do them. When we do good things from this inner desire, there is kindness in everything we think, say, want and do."

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