by Tara Allan Stewart

Created on: March 21, 2009

RUNNING INTERFERENCE IN A FRIEND'S RELATIONSHIP

Friendship is a wonderful thing, and if you can go through life and count your true friends on one hand (friends, not acquaintances), you are truly blessed. Some people keep the same friends for decades, and the friendship never fades. Then one of your friends is involved in a relationship or marriage. In the age of e-mail, chatting, and friendship sites, it is possible you never met Susie's new boyfriend, companion, or spouse. But you hear angst in her voice, and something in you thinks you smell trouble.

How long has it been since you and she were buddies, going to parties together, sharing outfits, and had lockers side-by-side in the hall? Things have changed for both of you. If she is married or deeply committed to her chosen beloved, you must understand that for her (hopefully for them both), this is a sacred relationship. Do you understand the history? You can call him a jerk in private, and she can tell you he's a jerk, but we all get that uninvited endorsement from time to time. Maybe he just made a mistake, so he's human. Perhaps she is not being as understanding as she could be. Leading her away from her anger into some sense of compassion seems a better move than preparing a room for her and calling social services to intervene, or worse, the police. You are hearing one side of a story.

I am surprised at how many people are unkind when speaking to or arguing with the person they claim to love or with whom they have taken vows, had children, and at least, share a bed. Intimacy makes emotions rise oftentimes, but this closeness is different between each couple.

In other words, unless abuse is blatant and eyes are blackened or other crimes are being committed, it is very hard for a friend to determine the health of another person's relationship. Perhaps there is illness involved that you are not aware of but that your friend has chosen to accept as part of unconditional love for the other. Sometimes even doctors, social workers, and therapists misread what they see as signs of an abused person, or a person in an unhealthy relationship. It may be a very special relationship requiring mutual protection of one another, almost a closed circle.

Ask your friend if you want to about the personal parts of a relationship, but know that this alone could alter a friendship if you aren't seeing the pieces of the puzzle correctly. If something is really bad, and you really are a special friend, Susie or Bob will come to you. Remember, this is not the person you chose to love, but it may be your friend's one true love. Leave the bubbles and don't burst them. Nothing is quite as sad as a half-finished bottle of flat champagne and years of friendship destroyed.

Friendship is entered into and grows into a relationship as well, and as such, remember to love your friend unconditionally and respect his or her choices in life. Remember what built your friendship to begin with, and honor that if you are able. Or as my mom used to say, "Clean your own house before you start redecorating someone else's home." Have respect.

Again, if someone is being abused or the law is being broken, please intervene. That's the time to risk losing a friend to save a life.

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