by Bev. Sand

Created on: March 20, 2009

I was 12 when I met the man I thought I would be with forever. I was 12 when I fell in love for the first time. He was 15. I know, much too young to know anything at all about love, but, I'm here to tell you, I fell in love with him, and he with me.

He was the brother of my best friend, and we spent many years seeing each other off and on, through his enlistment, through my engagement to another man, through the death of his mother, and through my parents' hatred of him. We were destined, we were meant to be.

I was 19 when I lost my virginity to this man. I was 2 weeks away from 20 when I gave birth, by emergency C-section, to our daughter. I never saw her, or held her. He never claimed her. I almost died giving birth to her, and almost lost my mind after giving her to a good, Christian couple where I knew she would have a loving home.

Was I selfish in my decision to give my daughter to someone else? I don't believe so, and no matter what some people say, I will always be glad, even through the sadness, that I gave her a chance at a life I didn't think I would ever be able to provide for her.

My parents have their issues, and even though they were supportive to an extent, they told me from the beginning that they would not help me raise my child. Her Father would not claim her. His family would not have helped me with her. I am an only child, and as such, was very immature, and couldn't even take care of myself at the time, much less a baby. So, I did what I still think was best for her, and for the adoptive family. I gave my precious baby to someone who wanted her, and would love her and provide for her the best life possible.

I had a case worker to help me make the hardest decision I have ever had to make. She let me help with the process of picking out the perfect family for my daughter. Before I gave birth to my daughter, I embroidered her a baby blanket, and wrote her, and her parents a letter explaining my decision. I gave my name and address to the adoption agency, and still keep them informed of my whereabouts in case she would want to contact me, 29 years later.

I had a nervous breakdown after having my child. I spent a year in a daze, and probably should have been hospitalized. I slept around, because it didn't matter anymore. I didn't care about myself, or much about anyone around me. Only though the grace of God, and help from my friends did I manage to get through it alive. But, even with that, I still wouldn't change my decision.

I have married since then, and have 2 wonderful, grown sons, a beautiful daughter in law, and 2 awesome grandkids. My sons know about their sister. Holidays and her birthday are still painful for me. I can still remember more about my pregnancy with her than I can about yesterday. She will always be my child in my heart. I will never forget about her, no matter how many other people are in my life. I will always love her as much as I do my sons.

She has contacted me, as have her parents. She and they have thanked me so much for the decision I made, to let them be together, and have the wonderful, blessed life that they have had.

Was I selfish for giving my daughter up for adoption? No, absolutely not. She has had the best life she could ask for. She was not raised without a Father, she never had to depend on welfare to eat or have diapers. The only person I may have been selfish to was myself, because there are times I really do wonder, "What if...?" But, all in all, I am glad I gave my daughter the chance to have what I could not have given her. Call me selfish if you will, but don't do it to my face, or you will have a real arguement on your hands.

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