by Prin Dumas

Created on: March 19, 2009   Last Updated: March 05, 2011

My fiance and I have discussed this topic at length. With four aging parents, we feel that this topic is important, sensitive, and conflict-causing for our life together. The idea of taking care of elderly parents is important to everyone, however, single or married.  

In an ideal setting, your parent is not ill.  He or she is lucid and productive. They can contribute to your busy household, and bring tradition into your family. It can be great to have mommy or daddy back! That should be a beautiful blessing for any family.

If you are taking in a parent who is sick or beginning to fail, he or she will become dependent on you and your family.  They may become less entertaining and sometimes they tug at emotional heart strings.  You argue with your significant others, and you are heartbroken to see your mommy or daddy no longer be the person you recall.

How do you handle both situations with love and fulfillment? Should it matter if a parent is healthy or ill?  

If faced with an ailing parent in need of housing, an adult child may take on this opportunity to give back the love and nurture once provided by the parent. It may serve as a bond at the end of your relationship. There may be special memories built during this time that you may have never had the chance to create otherwise. It may be a time to teach your children how to be sympathetic and family-oriented. Perhaps this becomes the chance for your spouse to understand you even more, and it may be a time for your parent to rest-assured of how happy you are with your spouse and children.  If you're single, a parent may enjoy being a part of your life activities and events.  

A vibrant elderly person can lose his or her charm in a few days! An overbearing mother is likely to have grown unreasonable and more stubborn with age. A tight-fisted father may fail to contribute in your household and create tension within your family. A helpful, hands-on mother may take on too much and be intrusive in your daily routines. The struggle to convey boundaries with every aspect of privacy may be difficult and awkward for an adult child.

Communication saves all! You must have the ability to communicate with your parent, sick or not, about expectations. What do they want from this experience? What do you want (and not want) from this experience? Are there responsibilities and obligations to be had? You must define the ways of your family and your life. It will be a great experience for all, a discovery of new habits and new routines. It will add some color to your daily life, and it will enrich your days with memories to cherish. Bad situations may be recalled in years to come with laughter. Sad and painful moments of suffering may be treasured as grand opportunities to have helped a beloved parent. Awkward disruptions to your family's routine may be cherished by grandchildren, providing them with real-life stories of their grandparent. You may, too, offer to your parent the rare chance to live the final years on Earth proudly in observation (silently or not!). You will grant him or her a perfect view to behold the wonderful adult who came to be from the child they once raised. Enjoy the family moments, and maintain an open door for conversation.

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