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FORMER IN-LAWS

Not only two people get a divorce. The entire family gets one. Children, of course, but in-laws, too.

I dearly loved my first mother-in-law and, although we weren't as close, admired and liked my first father-in-law. The divorce harmed all of us, but luckily, in this case, there was a child whom both my ex-husband and I and all of Jim's grandparents loved dearly.

For the child's sake, we made it through the early "bitter" days without scenes. And we remained friends over the years. My ex-in-laws liked and admired my second husband once I did remarry. He lied and respected them. My own mother kept urging him to adopt my son. He refused, not because he didn't love Jim, but he felt it necessary for the child to remain solidly connected with who he really was.

After my second husband's death, my ex-husband (again divorced by then) and I became, oddly enough, extremely good friends. We had always "liked" each other. We'd just been too young and probably not committed enough to pull off an actual marriage. My first father-in-law was deceased by then, but my late mother in-law, my ex-sister-in-law, her husband and daughter were alive.

I'd kept in touch with my former mother-in-law through letters even when Jim grew up and moved far away, at least at Christmas and birthdays. At that point, she had moved close to her daughter and was in an apartment for older residents. I hadn't kept up with Dorothy (the former sis-in-law) so I was really nervous when she invited me for a small family dinner. I think she was, too.

Instead, it was like old home week. We'd all forgotten how much we'd once had in common. I found a new best friend in Dorothy, and her husband was just as wry and funny and caring as he'd always been. I discovered a "toddler" niece had grown up into a fine and talented woman with two teenage sons anyone would be proud to acknowledge.

A few years later the oldest got married. At the wedding, my former niece made me proud and happy. I was simply introduced, warmly, as "And this is my Aunt Marge."

By now my own three children have grown. I now have two ex-daughters-in-law and one ex-son-in-law. I loved them all. The divorces tore holes in my life, not just in the lives of concerned couples and their children. When I developed cancer a few years ago, I literally had six children praying for me, dedicating cancer walks to me, checking up on me, even coming to visit. No, make that seven. My son has remarried and his new wife also is one of my children-and I think, this marriage (now 10 years old) will work out for him, just as my second marriage lasted for almost 34 years.

A friend who absolutely hates her ex-daughter-in-law keeps saying, "How can you even talk to them?"

Well, successful marriages take two partners working together. Divorces occur when this does not happen. Especially when there are children involved, it just seems better to struggle through those first confusing, hurting days and then let people know you still care.

I learned this a long time ago...when my ex-mother-in-law showed me that she still cared.

Learn more about this author, Margaret Shauers.
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