by Jo Ann Wentzel

Created on: March 19, 2009

This was originally written for foster parents, but it is really applicable for any parent. Foster kids rarely have just one area where problems exist. Most kids, in fact, have several bad behaviors to correct, issues they must overcome, and goals they must reach. The foster parent sees their job as mender, fixer, or repairperson. We are never content to just let these issues resolve themselves, and rightly so. We arm ourselves with ideas, solutions, and prayer to battle the various problems.

One thing wrong with this strategy is the fact that we attack on all fronts, instead of focusing on just one enemy at a time. Foster parents must pick their battles carefully. There are two basic reasons that this is best. Number one is the fact that kids cannot usually successfully work on a whole array of problems at one time. The second reason is for the sake of the foster parent. You will burn out' too quickly if you don't reserve your strength.

But you say, "These kids have soooo many problems. They need so much help. You count off the problems on your fingers, but before you get to your toes, slow down. Try to remember it took many years for these problems to develop. You cannot fix this kid by Friday. You will need to pick your battles.

This assessment to decide which war you wage may take a bit of time. It is also hard to do when you still don't know the child well. Until you truly connect with a kid, you must rely on first impressions and what you have actually witnessed.

It is necessary to prioritize this child's needs when deciding which behaviors to conquer, and help him meet challenges necessary for a functional life. We developed a system. First, list all the major problems. Put things in perspective, this is usually not going to include things like he does not make his bed, or he forgets to brush his teeth. If these are this kid's most pressing problem, pat yourself on the back, give him a big hug, and be content that you are so lucky. I'm thinking more in the terms of items like he is violent toward others, he uses pot, he steals, or he cannot stay in school. You know- the kinds of issues foster parents deal with every day.

Next, start to prioritize them. I tend to divide them into the following categories.

Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other's well being.

Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to the foster child's physical well being.

Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other's mental/emotional

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