by Jennifer Shell

Created on: March 19, 2009

I don't think that the word "interfere" should be used in this case. I honestly believe that, if your friendship with the person is true enough, it will be seen as more of an intervention, than an interference. A true friend should always intervene in the unhealthy relationships of their friends because to not intervene would be to turn your back on a friend.

I also believe that sometimes, whether you like it or not, friends will choose the unhealthy relationship over their true friendship with you.

An example: Many years ago, my very good friend and room-mate called me excitedly from her vacation to say that her boyfriend had proposed! Initially, I was happy for her because she'd wanted him to propose for ages and had finally gotten her wish. Later, however, after their return from vacation, I was able to witness several things that led me to believe he was not being good to her. Suffice it to say that it was my belief he was abusing her, both physically and verbally.

When the invitations to the wedding went out, I'd had enough. I pulled her aside (we were still rooming together, but there was always company at our apartment, knee-deep in wedding plans) and voiced my concerns to her. I remember spending a week planning my words so they would be pointed, but not harsh; concerned friend to victimized friend.

I loved her dearly and was willing to give up my friendship with her should this intervention turn sour.

It did.

She immediately got angry and started spouting untrue accusations about my being jealous of the fact that she was getting married and I was not (we were, maybe, 21 at the time), that I was secretly in love with her boyfriend/fiance and trying to come up with ways to separate them so I could have him to myself.

I was honestly not interested in her boyfriend/fiance, but could do nothing to convince her otherwise.

She severed all ties with me, and married him.

We spoke occasionally over the next year or so, but each time it was a strained conversation which never produced an apology from her or a retraction of my concerns from me.

Eventually, about 18 months after they'd married, she called me, sobbing. She told me through her tears that she should have listened to me and that yes, in fact, he had been beating her and that she was just miserable. What should she do? She was sorry she'd flown off the handle and really needed a friend and I was more than happy to oblige.

We spent nearly 2 hours on the phone that day and most of that time was spent with her spilling her guts and admitting her sorrows and me listening, only responding when she asked a direct question.

They did divorce, though it was nasty and he made her even more miserable than the already were. She and I were back on track, as strong of friends as ever before, and her ex-husband took off to a far-off state to do whatever it was that he did.

Though she and I now live separate lives, both married to wonderful men, and living in different states, we still are very close friends. I'd do the exact same thing again should the occasion call for it. My friendships mean more to me than the risk of losing someone for not having intervened.

True friends will eventually come around and thank you for your honesty.

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