The line between harmless fun and bullying is easily crossed as everybody has a different perspective on each situation. What one person perceives as a playful tease or harmless joke, another reacts to with humiliation and anger.
The Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary defines bullying as, "to treat abusively or to affect by means of force or behavior." Bullying has many forms. Some of these forms include threats, social exclusion, malicious gossip, intimidation including staring, physical assault, stealing, graffiti, taunting, and cyber-bullying. Bullies want to hurt their victims; it is about power, aggression, and extreme negative behavior. What one person perceives as a playful tease or harmless joke, another reacts to with humiliation and anger.
Bullying is wrong. Bullying should not be tolerated. It can do serious and sometimes irreparable damages to its victims. We should never condone or allow bullying from our children or any adults in our lives.
The main difference between harmless teasing lies within the emotion it provokes in the intended victim as well as the person initiating the tease. If neither person feels hurt or humiliated by a playful tease or joke, then the exchange is harmless fun. Harmless teasing doesn't malign a person's religion, physical appearance and ethnicity, or their mental capacity. If a person receives a sense of power and thrill by teasing another, the line between harmless teasing and bullying has been crossed.
The line between playful teasing and hurtful taunting or bullying is often crossed by a school age child caught in the power struggles of the playground hierarchy. Gone are the days when a child can call a classmate a "dooty-head" or yell that someone has "cooties." Through our own fears and insecurities, we have made our children overly sensitive to even the most harmless playground teasing. Even as adults, we are quick to point a finger and cry "bully!"
We should allow our children some room to express their anger and frustration with their peers in constructive ways, even when the method is a tease or snide but harmless remark. For example, two eight-year old girls decide that they do not want to play with another classmate today because they are jealous of the other girl's new backpack. The girls give the third girl the silent treatment on the playground and her feelings are hurt.
Is this bullying? By the technical definition it is, but realistically is it? These types of social exclusions happen every day on every playground. If it is a one-time occurrence, the line has not been crossed. If it occurs day after day and the girls are mean and malicious to the other girl in their exclusion, then the line has been crossed and an adult must step in to stop the bullying. When the excluded girl goes home and tells mom about the playground, her perspective will be completely different as compared to the story told by the other two girls. She will tell of how she just wanted to play and was left out. They will tell of how she flaunted her new backpack and made them feel bad thereby justifying their behavior in their own mind.
Because adults have a difficult time discerning where the line is between harmless fun and bullying, our children suffer. It is not uncommon for a young man, for example in middle school, to be singled out by a teacher for detention or other punishment because the teacher has caught that young man in a perceived bullying situation. Boys, especially in the 12 to 14-year old age range, show affection and camaraderie by teasing and taunting their friends.
It is a sad commentary when a kid is singled out for bullying when his only crime is teasing a friend who was never hurt by the tease. Adults need to watch situations carefully. Sometimes the friendly cuff on the back of the head is just that, friendly. Sometimes the taunting remark on the playground basketball court is simply part of the game. If we watch the kids and see they leave the teases and taunts on the court, the line has not been crossed.
Not everybody has the same thickness of skin where teasing is concerned. Everybody has their own back-story and reasons for their personal sensitivities. If we do not wander near the line, we will not cross the line between harmless fun and bullying.