by Leann Zotis

Created on: March 19, 2009   Last Updated: March 24, 2009

It's funny, really, that some of the behaviors we exhibit towards friends are the same behaviors we might exhibit towards enemies. Sometimes it is only a difference of intention and degree. Most of us enjoy joking and laughing with our friends, acquaintances, classmates and co-workers. Good natured razzing provides an outlet for emotions and a way of bonding with others. It helps us find common ground and relieves stress in tense situations.

It's not uncommon to hear the best of friends bantering back and forth with subtle insults and personal slights that are no more meaningful than a recap of the day's weather.

"Hey, Bozo! Where'd you get that ugly shirt?"

"You're a loser! Who taught you to play ball?"

"Did your mother have any children that lived?"

These and other inane comments might be heard anytime in the school yard, the classroom or even in the workplace. They are jovial, sarcastic and, essentially, harmless. Both the speaker and the recipient know the deeper meaning is nothing more than a playful tease, a way of communicating when there is nothing more pressing to say.

So, when does harmless fun and teasing cross the line and take on a new and ugly life of its own?

Aggression and bullying behavior in general often gets its start in life in the form of words. Words, while harmless in and of themselves, can have an amazing power to destroy. The idea of harmless fun goes out the window when words are used to belittle, alienate or isolate another person.

Bullying often first rears its ugly head in the school yard or playground. Children are often exposed to others who are different from them at school or on the playing field for the first time. An initial response to differences can be to push them away. A child may start out with name calling or placing labels on a different child to keep the outsider from getting too close.

If this behavior isn't caught and corrected early on, it can and usually does escalate to the point where a child uses name calling to isolate any unwanted child. The child may enlist other friends in the name calling and the isolation behaviors. This alienates both the name callers and the unwanted child from forming any relationship with each other. If the ostracized child is still viewed as a danger or a threat, he may become the object of pushing, shoving, tripping and other physical forms of bullying.

The whole process of bullying can grow out of this unchecked and immature way of dealing with others. So, instead of having an adult who whips pseudo insults at his friends in the office or on the racket ball court as a way of sharing in the camaraderie and friendship of the event, you end up with an adult whose level of aggression has risen to the point of bullying other drivers on the road, insulting waitresses in a restaurant or intimidating his spouse, children or other family members.

Harmless fun can be both harmless and fun. It is the stuff that lifelong friendships thrive upon. When that harmless fun turns into something exclusive instead of inclusive, the fun is gone and the bullying has begun.

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