by Lauren Worley

Created on: January 27, 2007   Last Updated: March 27, 2007

Agnosticism is one of the best ways to get to really know yourself that I can think of. 30 years ago, at the illness and death of a very beloved aunt, I was still a believer. I prayed and wept, and prayed some more for my aunt's recovery, but she died shortly thereafter, and she died hard. I began to doubt my belief in what I had always heard - and believed - in a "merciful and loving God". A God such as this would never allow this kind of suffering, for any reason, in my mind. I struggled with my faith for many years afterward.

In 1983, my very beloved mother was diagnosed with stage 4 brain cancer. This was devastation to us all. The only fortunate thing to this diagnosis was that her brain was affected enough that she was not fully aware of what was happening to her. Caring for her for the 9 months she journeyed towards her end, my faith struggled, lagged, despaired and then *pouf* pretty much disappeared. I was so angry, I was so livid, and I prayed - and swore - at God. There could be no God to allow someone as sweet, artistic, intelligent and good to suffer as she was suffering. She did not deserve the pain and suffering of withering so much that I could lift her from the tub without help, to watch her beautiful auburn hair fall out, to need lotions to try to sooth the rashes brought on by all the different therapies. I lost my Mother and cremated her, as she wished, and put her out to her beloved sea. My pain is still alive and burning at her loss.

I put God away from me then and began to wonder what it was that I could believe. I read voraciously; I watched and consumed Cosmos and other shows that discussed how we - all life on Earth - began with the placement of "starstuff" atoms, particles - whatever it would be called - and through the wonder of evolution and science, Life began in the warm waters. Life thrived. Basic simple creatures evolved into other lifeforms and eventually, millions of years later, up popped Homo Sapiens.

My belief in science/evolution is very much a spiritual belief and feeling that soothes my heart, makes me more patient, and gives me tremendous peace. I look at all life now as wonderous, from the sow-bug to the birds, to the cows I pass on my way to work every day. I understand in my heart - where true spirituality and belief stems - that we are all linked together by the stars and the cosmos.

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