by Mel Mcintyre

Created on: March 18, 2009

Most children need rules, guidelines, advice and steering in the right direction. The tricky part is how to know whether you're pushing them into doing something or giving them the guidance they need to get there on their own.

Parents want the very best for their children. In many cases they want their children to have access to all available opportunities so they can enjoy a better life than their parents might have done. And that's to be applauded.

But remember what Noel Coward advised in one of his songs:

Don't put your daughter on the stage, Mrs. Worthington.

It may be a parent's desire for their son or daughter to be the first doctor in the family, or the first person to attend university, or to carry on the family business. But that says nothing about what the child wants or needs.

Everybody's different. Some children will demonstrate a flair for art, music, or literature. Others will be good with numbers or skilled at building things. Still more will be naturally gifted athletes that could potentially set records or earn millions.

A parent once explained that her son was taking guitar lessons and had formed a band. She asked what she should do to encourage him, to help him achieve his goals. The simple answer was:

Give him what he wants.

Make sure he has a decent guitar to play and practice on. Let the band practice in your basement. Keep your eyes open for any opportunities for him and his band to perform. Listen to him play and comment on his improvements. And otherwise, stay out of the way.

And guess what? It worked. She did as requested and the boy flourished. The band got some gigs and become reasonably popular on their local circuit. And he's still playing and enjoying himself today.

Who knows? Maybe a record deal won't be too far away. Wouldn't that be something?

Yet how many young people have been turned off playing a musical instrument because their parents forced them to practice? How many have refused to enter the family business because it was daddy's idea and not of any interest to the child? How many have flunked out of university because they were attending on the whims of somebody else?

I think parents owe it to their children to encourage them, to help them achieve their ambitions. But that's not the same as forcing them in a direction they really don't want to go. Instead of push, think guide. Instead of force, think accommodate. It really will work out better for everyone.

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