by Teresa Austringer

Created on: March 18, 2009

Every day people live lives of selfless sacrifice and quiet heroism that we never hear about. They are the children of aging parents, the husband whose wife is suffering from early Alzheimer's, and the frail, aging wife who is caring for her even more frail husband. It's a great testimony to the bonds of love and the responsibility of the average individual that they take such good care of their elderly and infirm.

But the question is, when does the child's responsibility to the parents outweigh their responsibility to their own future? And the answer to that is, that it never does. It never *outweighs* the responsibility to one's own future. When you're growing up and leaving home, you start making your own decisions in life and your own way. Your parent's guidance is important, of course, but one has to live one's own life.

There does come a time for many, however, when one's parents can no longer care for themselves. And that's when the responsibility to one's parents can conflict with other responsibilities, or temporarily precede them. That is why, in our society, the burdens are shared by society in the form of Social Security and Medicaid, and professional help such as retirement homes, home caregivers and visiting nurses.

if an adult child is capable and willing to take on the physical care of an aging or ill parent, and the parent is comfortable with that, it's a wonderful solution. If a child can afford to financially contribute, that's also a generous and loving gift. But parents don't want to be a burden on their children, and many are more comfortable with their physical needs being taken care of by professional caregivers.

For those who are primary caregivers, it's very important that they take care of themselves as well. Care giving is stressful and wearing. Those providing care need support in the form of social contact and support groups. They need planned, regular days off. They need to eat right and exercise as well. Caregivers also need to be aware of signs of burnout, such as depression, fatigue, withdrawal from activities, alcohol or stimulant use, and feelings of helplessness. Even after they are no longer responsible for the parent some caregivers show signs of stress.

The responsibility of the adult child should take into account their own stage of life. They might be crunched between the responsibilities of taking care of small children and their parents. They could be old enough or in ill health themselves, so that the physical care of another is too difficult. They might already be retired and on a fixed income. In some cases, they are too young to contribute much.

If there are siblings, they can share responsibilities in different ways. One might be better at managing paperwork, while another might help with housework. All siblings contributions should be valued. In our modern lives, many people have few or no siblings to share the work or get support from. That's why it is important for all of society to help.

The most important responsibility of the child is to manage the parent's care: to oversee the finances, look for resources if necessary, and spend as much time as they can with their parent. It is an unfortunate truism that people will take better care of someone that they know is loved and visited. But the one thing that others can not do for your parent is to be their loving child.

Although many parts of your life can be temporarily put on hold, your responsibility to your parents should never outweigh your responsibility to your own small children, your marriage, your livelihood, or your health. Your parents would never want you to sacrifice your future for them.

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