by Jeff Charlebois

Created on: March 17, 2009

In 1623, England sent a group of settlers over on the Mayflower to live in a new world. These people were fondly known as convicts. The British rejects bravely chose the new land over the guillotine. Once arriving, they built log cabins and invited the Native American Indians over for turkey and a side of cranberry sauce. Because the stuffing wasn't Stovetop, the Indians rebelled by mocking the pilgrims' knickers during a rain dance ceremony. This infuriated and embarrassed the settlers. They plotted to slowly steal the native's country by duping them with a bogus slogan; "Go west young Squatting Bear, go west."

King George was quite content to ship the abundant bread-stealing scum out of their homeland. He rewarded them by implementing taxes on everything. The people angrily stamped their feet. They were taxed for that. (The Stamp Act) This really teed off the subjects, so they threw a party in the Boston Harbor. Things got out of hand; intoxicated men wearing lantern shades on their head began chucking creates of Lipton overboard. Within a few months, Paul Revere was riding through towns yelling, "The British are coming!" while townspeople screamed back, "Shut up, ye ole drunk. I'm sleeping!"

A group of people soon formed a Continental Congress. One of the elite members was George Washington who would often reminisce of picking cherries off a tree in his front yard. "One day, I finally chopped it down so that I could make a set of wooden teeth." Everyone would just roll their eyes knowing old George's mouth was all bark with no bite. Later his wife would become infected as a result of splinters. Ben Franklin, an astute man with brilliant ideas, wasn't taken very seriously. Every time he offered a suggestion he was told to go fly a kite. He did and what he found shocked him. Thomas Jefferson was able to unify the clan by drafting a Declaration of Independence. This basically told King George that they were fed up with his taxes and his attitude. Besides, they were tired of having to wear wigs.

Soon British soldiers were sent to stifle the revolting colonists. They first captured New York City. (Broadway had not been born yet, so we gladly forfeited the Big Apple.) Trenton and Princeton followed. Washington organized a small band of troops and crossed over the Delaware River. There were no taverns open so, cold and pissed off, they attacked the redcoats. After that, Washington treated the troops to a winter vacation at Valley Forge where his soldiers could

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