by Billie Meyers

Created on: March 17, 2009   Last Updated: March 25, 2009

Read Anne Landers on any given day and you are bound to encounter a letter from a man who is dissatisfied with his sex life. Why? Men have many more reproductive years than women do. If men behaved according to their biological programming, they would produce as many children as they are able. Women lose the ability to produce children, and when they lose that ability, they often lose their sex drive. Women have been made to feel like something is wrong with them when they lose their desire for sex, but there is nothing wrong with these women. What IS wrong is the social construct that governs our views of sex and marriage.

Some men and women remain happily married for many years. It is impossible to know how many of the men in these relationships remain sexually faithful, but we can assume that it is possible. However, it is not uncommon for a man to find sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage or to divorce and remarry when his original spouse no longer satisfies him sexually. One doesn't need to look very far for evidence of this. Of course, women sometimes do the same, but it is far more prevalent among men. Early literature tells us that this phenomenon is not new. The Greek gods were shameless adulterers. The Bible also provides some fine examples of adultery and polygamy.

One would think that over time societies would become smarter about sex and marriage, yet most of us Westerners continue on believing that monogamy is the ideal and that we are merely too imperfect to make it work in many instances. But perhaps it is the other way around. Perhaps we aren't so flawed. Perhaps we are trying to conform to a system that asks way too much of us as human beings with innate drives that lead us in another direction. Is polygamy a vice or a virtue? I believe it can be considered a virtue.

A friend from Pakistan once told me of her culture and how the men who can afford to often have several wives. She said that the older wives are often grateful for the younger wives because they willingly satisfy the sexual demands of the husband. The wives, she said, usually cooperate with one another and become much like sisters, and they often work together to manage childcare and work, whether outside the home or in.

We are conditioned to believe that arranged marriages and polygamy are bad, but let's take a look at our results. The divorce rate in the United States hovers somewhere close to 50%! Blended families are the norm. So what we have is serial monogamy. What we could have is polygamy which would be much more efficient in terms of family life. Instead of multiple breakups and divorces that result in anger and jealousy, we could have wives/mothers working together for the good of the family. Which is more virtuous, serial monogamy or polygamy?

The U.S. is mindful of the harm we are inflicting on our children when marriages end in ugly divorce. We place the blame on the individuals trying to conform to society's expectations, but perhaps we should be re-examining society's expectations. Is it reasonable to expect that a man's sexual needs can and should be satisfied by the same woman for his entire adult life? I'm not a man but I certainly can make observations about men's behavior. When I was younger and single I had more propositions from married men than I had from single men!

It is not likely that men are going to change. We can change our views, however, on sex and marriage so that we can see ourselves as successful in marriage and sex rather than failures.

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