by R. Colleen

Created on: March 17, 2009

As parents, we all want to see our children succeed and sometimes it takes more than gentle coaxing to get that across. How far should we push our children to succeed? As far as we can!

Before I come across as a rabid soccer mom, let me explain: I am not talking about being one of those parents who scream and yell and insist on perfection while we sit on the sidelines. I am not talking about raking our kids over the coals when they make a mistake and then turn around and blame it on everybody else and their dog. I am not talking about forcing our own agendas onto our children. I am not condoning shoving our definition of success down their throats.

I am talking about coming alongside and encouraging them as they grow and begin to develop their own interests and goals, watching them closely and seeing beyond just their potential and alacrity for any given "success" we might offer them and finding out what it is that stirs their soul.

I recently had a conversation with a mother, in tears, at her wit's end trying to figure out a way to get her son interested in becoming a missionary. Certain that was what God was calling her son to, she neglected the fact that her son's main interest in life at age 12 was science. Pushing her son to succeed in her dream for him was causing a horrendous breach in their relationship. She belittled his passion and constantly put forth her own agenda in the types of books she demanded he read, biographies of great missionaries, even offering to house visiting missionaries in the hope that her son would change his mind. She stayed mad at me for a week, convinced I was undermining her authority as his parent by not taking her side. I kept telling her that, while it was okay to push him as hard as necessary toward success, the direction of that success needed to fit the child, not her own unsatisfied desire to be on the mission field.

Everyone knows (or should) that pushing carries with it the potential of the one we are pushing to dig in his heels and refuse to go one millimeter further, especially if it is in a direction they do not want to go. There is, inherent in the act of pushing, a time for stopping, stepping back and re-evaluating. There is also the joy of being able to lead a child down the right path. This, in and of itself, can be an act of pushing. It's just a matter of perspective.

And, believe me, a child would rather be gently led than pushed, prodded and forced down a path they don't have the heart for.

Contained within all of this is knowing your child. It is relinquishing your expectations of their career path and enveloping theirs. And being vocal regarding that support.

When I was young, I desperately wanted to be a writer. Writers don't get paid much, I was told, and what I really needed to do was find something that would provide financially. Teaching was an option I was offered, as well as secretarial work for which I had excellent skills. Nursing was another option that was presented as a good career choice. Going along with those options, I set my love of writing on the back burner and pursued a career in the medical field. While it provided a good living and I enjoyed it, it was never a burning passion of mine. But, according to my parents, counselors and friends, it was the best decision. And I spent years regretting the decision to seek something other than my love for writing. It meant a lot to me when my dad told me recently that he enjoyed my writing and thought I had a real gift for it, that it was something I should definitely pursue (okay, he's my dad - what can I say?). Now that, in my opinion, is pushing a child to succeed the best way possible. By encouragement.

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