by Effie Moore Salem

Created on: March 17, 2009   Last Updated: October 15, 2010

A child never outgrows his responsibility to his parents, but commonsense is what often rules. That has something to do with the child's own responsibilities, which naturally concern their own family. Life is ongoing, not backward looking. Let us look at this logically: When a parent is severely ill and are in need, children will rush to their bedsides, or they help out whenever they can. This is well and good. Yet, overall, life is forward moving and no child owes his parent love and honor and respect but he does not owe his parent his own future. Parents, or at least responsible parents understand that their children are not to sacrifice their live for them. This for dedicated parents is unthinkable. That does not mean that children are not to help parents when they need help and never should they turn their backs on them, but their own families must always come first.

Often conflicts arise out of steep situations that need not ever have escalated into the mountains they became had children grown into mature adulthood. Immature parents often help create immature grown children by keeping them tied to them as they grow up and never allowing them to fully develop their own lives. This often causes resentment and lifelong problem and accusations of neglect when the parent or parents are old and are in need of some help from their children. Grown children sometimes simply refuse to go back into situations they detest and they close the door to any presumed responsibilities. They do it out of fear and not out love.

Of course what we are dealing with here is what's right and what's wrong and where parents and children relationships are concerned them are seldom that simple. Emotions, memories, frustrations, denial, and guilt all play a part. Ideally our children will have been guided into healthy adults by healthy parents. Both would have filled in gaps of misunderstanding when they arose and the future for both would have proceeded normally. Healthy and loving parents with foresight would have known how to assist their children without stifling their initiative and their ability to grow emotionally as well as mentally and physically.

It often does not work that way. Yet, in all fairness, the future needs mature individuals who can forage ahead in a world they did not create but must live in. If, out of love and a misguided sense of duty they have sacrificed their own lives for their parents many children will carry resentment all their lives. This then will impact their relationship with their own children. An unhealthy situation has been created and may be one that is handed down from generation to generation.

Let's face it. Many parents are simply intolerable. Children, not being able to be themselves around them will have no choice but to leave home, possibly never to return. Life after all is about responsibility and caring and respect for our elders. It is not about allowing our elders to rob us of our childhood as well as taking away any possibilities for a future dedicated to doing right in all too often a wrong intentioned world.

Let's also face the fact that children are sometimes intolerable. Even the best of parents have to deal with problem children who never seem to appreciate anything parents do. The advice here is doing the best one can do and never stop caring. Some children grow up and figure things out for themselves and have children of their own and then they finally begin to see how it was with their parents. It's as if the futures - their children - are teaching them about the past. In order to extract the lesson here both generational groups need to leave communications open and be willing to accept and to give help when needed.

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