by Moe Zilla

Created on: March 16, 2009

It reminds me of a classic internet joke. Two students in a writing class can't agree on the direction of a story they're writing. (The boy wants to write science fiction war scenes, while the girl wants to describe a complicated romance.) Their story zigzags from one topic to another, and the results are hilarious. It's the same premise used in the book "Once Upon a Cool Motorcycle Dude," and it's probably the most schizophrenic children's book that you'll ever read.

The book didn't just use a talented illustrator - it used three of them! Carol Heyer draws the illustrations for the fairy tale, while Scott Goto supplies the drawings of the motorcycle dude - and it's author Kevin O'Malley who adds in pictures of the disagreeing children themselves. "During the first ten years of Kevin O'Malley's life, he didn't care about the difference between girls and boys," writes the book's jacket. But the book flaunts those differences, warning that after 10 years of marriage, "Kevin discovered that the difference is really, really, really huge."

"For our library project, we were supposed to tell you our favorite fairy tale," the book begins, "but we couldn't agree on which story was the best. So we just made one up.

"I'll begin the story."

"My beginning is better, but go ahead."

The girl tells the story of Princess Tenderheart, who had beautiful ponies who were kidnapped one day by a giant. The boy adds the character of "this really cool muscle dude" who promises to protect the last pony. The boy enjoys describing the ugly giant, and soon he's battled "the muscle dude" and his "really big sword," while the earth shakes with lightning, thunder...and volcanoes.

Fire lights the background as the wild motorcycle dude raises his sword and howls. But the book ultimately has an empowering message for girls, since the female story-teller doesn't like how the princess takes a subordinate role. "Princess Tenderheart goes to the gym and pumps iron," she continues. She becomes Princess Warrior, and fights the giant herself - in front of the same volcanoes.

The boy invents an alternate ending - the dude turns invisible, and then rescues the ponies. (In a nice touch, the illustrator switches when the little girl insists that "The princess goes with him!") Surprisingly, both children agree on a happy ending - the giant is defeated - and then they share a high five. But then the girl insists on adding that the two characters were then happily married.... And then there's nothing left to argue about.

Except the sex of the couple's first child!

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